


Breath of Life

by narayu



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Reapers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-04
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-17 16:24:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 41,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/869566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narayu/pseuds/narayu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the destruction of the Reapers, Kaidan is faced with living without Shepard... again, trying to rebuild Earth, and finding friends in the strangest of places. Continuation of the Mass Effect series taking place after ME3. Rated M for language and violence... for now. Characters, settings, and some dialogue are properties of Bioware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hope

_A single gasping breath of hope._

* * *

Kaidan walked into his sparse living quarters with a heavy head and a heavy heart. He had spent the last week assisting with the cleanup effort in London and it was certainly taking its toll. It had been no easy feat convincing Joker to bring the Normandy back rather than get as far away from Earth as possible, but Kaidan suspected that with EDI gone Joker probably wasn't too keen on staying on the Normandy anyway and was eventually able to get him to agree. Somewhere between the raging battle with the reapers and their total destruction, Kaidan had thought - no, he had felt - that Shepard was still alive, and he was determined to find her.

Admiral Hackett had initially resisted his offer of help, no doubt believing that Kaidan's emotional state was too fragile. But although Kaidan hadn't known the admiral nearly as well as Shepard had, he was able to convince him that he needed more good soldiers to help. Once Kaidan was back on his feet after the shot he took to the gut, he had thrown himself into the work. It had been a grueling week of salvaging wreckage, recovering bodies, and in very rare cases - rescuing survivors. Kaidan was losing hope and not just a little sleep. He had rationalized that even if Shepard had survived the ordeal, the chances of her being alive after a week without medical attention were slim. Unless he could convince Cerberus to rebuild her again - he thought bitterly, then cringed at the horror of it.

Kaidan raked his hand through his already disheveled hair and let out an exasperated sigh as he dropped his gear on the floor and all but collapsed on the couch. The truth was he needed to keep himself busy in order to avoid thinking about the very real possibility that he had just lost her - again - right after he had gotten her back. Avoid the reality that he had lost her for two years, had never really moved on, then pushed her away for another six months before allowing himself to believe she was really there, and then he'd gone and lost her again, failed her again. He half smirked at that, knowing that if Shepard knew where his thoughts were going she wouldn't waste even a moment before flipping him on his back and reminding him with a pistol to his neck that he wasn't responsible for her life. In any case, feeling sorry for himself wouldn't make the search for her go any faster. As an Alliance marine and human Spectre, the best way for him to keep busy was to throw himself into the cleanup process.

Still, he kept replaying it in his mind. Not because he was feeling for himself, although sometimes he was, but in hopes that he may have missed something - some clue in their last exchange, the last of her comm traffic - that would lead him to her body. He cringed again at the path his thoughts were taking. His subconscious clearly already believed her to be dead. The explosion on the Citadel had left it mostly in ruins. In a moment of weakness, Kaidan had begged the Admiral to assign him to the Citadel efforts. Hackett hadn't even given it consideration. He was right, of course, Kaidan would have been a liability, he would have put all his energy in finding Shepard and shirked the rest of his duties. He had been assured that there were hundreds of capable men and women combing the wreckage and preparing to rebuild the Citadel. As time passed, though, the hope that they'd find her alive was dwindling. They had found Admiral Anderson two days prior in what appeared to be the wreckage of a control room. The doctors calculated his time of death to be mere minutes after the arms of the Citadel had opened to receive the Crucible. He had been shot in the gut, seemingly by the Illusive Man, whose body was also found, with a gunshot through the head. It looked like a suicide, and there were whispers that he had all the evidence of being indoctrinated. This had given Kaidan renewed hope. Hackett had confirmed that Shepard was the one who had input the command to open the Citadel's arms, yet her body was not at the scene, and Kaidan suspected that Shepard was the one who convinced the Illusive Man to take his own life rather than let the Reapers control it. But her body was not there, so he kept believing. The part that made Kaidan second guess that hope was that they had found traces of her blood at the scene, quite a bit of it actually, and without medical attention he couldn't imagine how she would hold on. He sighed deeply, this was the part he kept trying not to think about.

* * *

_They were running toward the beam, it was just the three of them now. The reapers were taking out all their reinforcements. Kaidan and Garrus were doing their best to keep up with Shepard but she had barrelled ahead with renewed determination. He watched her stop and skid down low to avoid something, all of his instincts told him he needed to protect himself but he saw it too late. The vehicle crashed in front of him, exploding on impact and his vision went white for a moment. She was by his side before he felt anything and when she grabbed his arm and forced him to his feet the pain began to register. She set him down behind cover and Garrus was at his left now, she was yelling something into her comm unit, he couldn't quite hear it over the ringing in his ears. "... EVAC RIGHT NOW!" He heard and breathed a sigh of relief, they were getting out of there. She hoisted his arm over her again when the Normandy arrived, Garrus following behind, limping from his own injuries, and they hurried to the shuttle bay doors to get inside. When they got there, though, she draped his arm over Garrus' shoulders and began to walk away. Kaidan felt the panic fluttering up in his chest, he knew he couldn't fight anymore, he needed medical attention, but she couldn't go out there without him. His eyes were wide with unspoken resistance and Garrus was trying his best to hold onto him despite his own pain._

_"Shepard -" he tried to yell but she cut him off abruptly._

_"You've gotta get outta here." She said, matter-of-factly._

_"That's not going to happen," he said weakly, he knew it was futile, how would he help?_

_"Don't argue with me." There wasn't remorse, just the knowledge that she needed to finish what they had started and he would just slow her down._

_"Don't leave me behind," he gasped at her, not willing to lose her again, not now, not when he had just gotten her back. It was selfish and wrong and he knew it but he didn't care. He had held her again, he had touched her again, and she was real and alive and she was his Shepard, he couldn't let her go, not again._

_Kaidan saw the change flash in her eyes, the softness, the warmth and he knew she was about to tell him goodbye. He braced himself._

_"Whatever happens," she took a step closer to him as she spoke, her eyes betraying feelings she had kept carefully hidden from everyone, everyone except him. And now she was displaying those feelings in front of Garrus, in front of Cortez, in front of the shuttle bay crew, and he knew then that this was the end. "I love you... always." She finished the declaration as she closed the distance between them, her hand resting on his cheek, her eyes conveying more honesty than she had ever shown and more of a goodbye she wouldn't dare say._

_He sighed in defeat, tears pricking the corners of his eyes, he was going to lose her again and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was in no shape to try. "I love you too," he said simply, covering her hand with his own, squeezing her fingers as she started to pull away, but not letting go of her gaze. "Be careful." She turned from him and released his hand and he looked helplessly after her, knowing his world was ending again. She turned back to him and the warmth was gone, replaced with the cold resolve she got when she knew that the fate of the universe depended on her and she'd have to face the loss later. Compartmentalized, that's what her psych eval had called it. He saw it and sorrow washed over his own face, he knew there wouldn't be a later. His Shepard would save them, all of them, one last time. But the universe would not let her live through it. Three strikes, he thought grimly, she could only save humanity three times before the universe demanded a price, she was prepared to pay it, and he was in no position to stop her. He stared after her as the shuttle bay doors closed and she ran full speed toward the beam. He knew she'd succeed, she always had, she had prepared for this, they all had, he knew that deep down he'd even been prepared to lose her again._

_And then, as the thought crossed his mind that they would survive it, something happened. A reaper beam was too close to her, and he felt the cold dread blooming in his gut. The world seemed to be spinning in slow motion. Garrus was standing to his left, clutching onto him as he watched the scene unfold. He watched in horror as she fell, and he fell to the floor of the Normandy as she hit the ground, the light from the beam colliding with her. He was screaming "NO!" but he wasn't hearing the words. His chest tightened and his biotics flared, and Garrus held his grip on his shoulder while Kaidan's world crashed down around him. His injuries were burning from within him, and then he realized there was no such thing as being prepared._

* * *

Kaidan hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep until he woke with a start and discovered he was no longer injured, Garrus wasn't gripping his shoulder, and he wasn't in the Normandy shuttle bay. In his sleep, his emotions had caused his biotics to flare into a thin barrier over his skin. He cursed under his breath as he forced the flare to dissipate. As if the barrier could shield him from his emotions, his loss. He mentally scolded himself for losing control, he hadn't since he got to London, though he didn't think he'd let himself sleep in as long either. He raked a hand through his hair before squeezing the back of his neck to battle an oncoming migraine. "This is why I don't sleep," he muttered to himself before walking to the sink to splash water on his face.

All of a sudden he realized that it wasn't the dream that had startled him, but the metallic ping coming from his terminal indicating a new message. He approached the small desk warily, not sure if he was prepared for either good or bad news. He tapped the green light to bring up the message, surprised to see that it was from Miranda Lawson. His confusion deepened as he read the message.

Major Alenko -

I'm sure you already know that Cerberus would have no motivation to bring her back

a second time if what you find is not a living version. However, I have reason

to believe that all hope is not lost. If you would give me a moment of your time,

I'd like to discuss it with you.

\- M.L.

Kaidan blinked at the screen. He was half surprised that Operative Lawson seemed to know what he had been thinking (was she still an Operative now that she wasn't with Cerberus?), and half surprised that she would be willing to help him. He absent-mindedly rubbed the back of his neck again, attempting to coax away the headache. He mused that Miranda was no longer part of Cerberus and that maybe she had even found a friend in Shepard, in her own way, and that perhaps she needed Shepard to be alive almost as much as he did. Kaidan considered this for a moment before responding with a time and place to meet.


	2. Operative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really long chapter. I apologize. When I first started writing it, I was having a really hard time getting the feelings across that I wanted to portray. I scrapped the whole chapter and started over. This chapter kind of took on a mind of its own, and at the end I didn't have the heart to split it into two. Enjoy! I promise the next one will be closer to 2000 words.

* * *

Miranda Lawson had taken a gigantic risk by contacting Kaidan Alenko. At the very core he had never truly forgiven her for her part in Cerberus and while she had thought he would at least respect her for bringing his girlfriend back to life, he had some moral objections to the process itself. His personal feelings aside, he was Alliance military and a Spectre. Worst case scenario he'd have her thrown in some Alliance cell for the rest of her life. Best case scenario he'd shoot her on the spot, she thought grimly.

She was standing in a small bar in the middle of London's central square. Looking around, she guessed he had chosen the spot for its lack of patronage. The place was empty save for one patron who looked about a shot away from a blackout and a bartender who was pretending to wipe at an invisible stain on the bar top when he wasn't staring at her. For the most part, it seemed untouched by the battle for Earth that had taken place less than a klick away. That's not to say it didn't show some signs of wear. It looked as if the structural integrity would need to be reinforced, but that was a constant for most of the buildings in the center of London. For now, it was as good a place as any for someone to drink and try to forget, and Miranda had a suspicion that Major Alenko had tried to do just that on more than one occasion in this little forgotten bar.

* * *

She was already leaning against the bar when he arrived. Of course she was early, Miranda Lawson would have made sure to be early to give herself the upper hand. But upper hand in what, he wondered to himself as he crossed the small bar to reach her. He scrutinized her quickly to look for any concealed weapons and noticed with some shock that she looked a little less than impeccable. She was dressed all in black, a black jacket rolled up to her elbows that buckled under her chest, concealing a black nylon tank top scooped just low enough to show off her assets. Coupled with a pair of black nylon leggings that were so tight he briefly wondered if they were real or painted on, but that accentuated her hips perfectly. And finally a pair of heeled boots that put her taller than the average man but must be hell to walk in, he figured. Miranda had been built by her father, Henry Lawson, with perfection in mind. He remembered Shepard telling him how she was designed to have the upper hand in every aspect, beauty, power, intelligence. Shepard had pitied her, always having to live up to perfection, and Kaidan noticed for the first time now that she was showing some signs of... what? Weariness? Relaxation? Her father was dead, the Illusive man was dead, the Reapers were dead, perhaps Miranda Lawson had finally stopped running and started living. He saw a few strands of raven hair had disentangled themselves from her perfect ponytail, and he thought he noticed dark circles forming under her eyes. His interest was piqued, what would cause Miranda Lawson to display anything but perfection.

"Major." She said by way of a greeting as he closed the distance to the bar. She hadn't even looked up from her datapad when he heard a ping on his omnitool. He looked at it curiously, realizing that she had sent him some files. Miranda was waiting to meet his gaze when he looked at her this time, questions flickering across his eyes. She made the briefest of movements to indicate a shrug and simply said "It's a peace offering, Major," in a dismissive tone. He pulled out a datapad and transferred the files for easy reading and stared at them for a moment. She had sent him all of the files for the Lazarus Project, even her personal notes, and the realization of it stirred an old anger inside him. Kaidan felt the hair on his arms start to prickle as he stared at the screen and he did his best to stifle the rage that was brewing beneath the surface before his biotics began to flare. But Miranda was also a biotic and he knew she could feel the thrum of them powering up. Kaidan placed the datapad on the surface of the bar slowly. One look at Miranda and he noted that although her position at the bar hadn't changed, she had gone on the defensive. The way her shoulders had squared and her body had tensed told him that she felt the power threatening to escape from him and she was ready. He tried to look apologetic but he knew there was anger dancing in his eyes and he hoped she saw it for what it was, and not as a threat to her.

When she spoke, it was slow and deliberate, as if she was keeping her voice and tone steady for a child who needed an explanation for something he didn't understand. "Major, I know that you are not my biggest fan." The anger flashed over his eyes with renewed purpose and she took a breath before continuing. "I have no desire or intention to hurt you, I am offering these files to you because before the Illusive Man's death I couldn't have given them to Shepard without repercussions. She would have wanted to study them, and now that Cerberus is in chaos, I am able to retrieve them from their servers without consequence." She paused, looking at him for some kind of response or encouragement and he nodded for her to continue. She let out a little breath of relief, telling him that he was putting off more energy than he had initially assumed and he fought to suppress it while she spoke. "I want you to understand that I am not giving you these files so that you can go and try to have Shepard rebuilt again, you and I both know that that's not what she would have wanted, and we don't have the resources to try." His shoulders slumped and he dropped his eyes to the edge of the bar, he had known this, of course he had known, but as the days went on he knew the chances of finding her alive were dwindling. She kept talking, ignoring his change in posture. "I'm giving you these files so you can have some closure regarding Cerberus, and me, and our work on Shepard. I know you won't forgive me unless you understand. I want you to understand. I want you to know that I did whatever I could to bring her back the way she was before, and only made modifications when necessary to her survival." She took a deep breath and he looked up at her. "When the reapers were destroyed, so was all other synthetic life - as far as we know - and Shepard was part synthetic." Kaidan winced at the words. "But -" she said quickly, "the cybernetics we incorporated into Shepard's body were top of the line, designed to grow with her, to learn her DNA,to evolve. I believe that with enough time they would become more human than machine and with that hope, she may still be alive." She finished the sentence breathlessly, she had said it in a hurry as if there was a part of her that didn't believe it and she had to get the thought out before she second guessed herself.

Kaidan inspected Miranda's face for sincerity. There was no sign of deceit, she was holding his gaze not looking away, she wasn't fidgeting or touching her face, her jaw was relaxed. He noticed that her eyes were wide, and he saw something in them that was new... hope. She was looking at him with the same hope in her eyes that he had held onto every time he received a message on his terminal, waiting with bated breath to hear good news. He sighed deeply, and motioned to the bartender with two fingers. He felt Miranda tense up again as the man brought them two glasses of ale. She frowned into hers as he picked up his glass and carried it to a nearby table. She followed behind him somewhat warily, but took the seat across from him, setting her glass on the table untouched.

He had a sneaking suspicion that when he opened his mouth, his voice wouldn't work, but he managed to choke out a sentence nevertheless. "I don't need your closure." The words came out in a voice that was quiet and tight. He kept his eyes low and his tone coarse. Kaidan hadn't meant the words to bite, but Miranda must have felt it because she took a moment to recover. He used this to his advantage. "I don't know what you want from me," he said just above a whisper, "but I've lost her twice now, and it's been a week since the reapers were destroyed, we've heard nothing. I need to try to move on with my life." He felt the burning in the corner of his eyes, he would not let tears fall in front of this woman, he had never said the words out loud, never let himself say that he had to give up on his Shepard, but he knew it was the truth. Miranda silently laid a hand over Kaidan's, it was a move that seemed very foreign, like she'd never comforted someone before and his head shot up to meet her gaze. What he saw startled him. It wasn't as if he knew her well - hell, he'd barely met her - she was there at Sanctuary when they helped her take down Henry Lawson, and later at Shepard's apartment for the ridiculous party that had felt like a goodbye. But he'd heard enough about her, Miranda Lawson, ex-Cerberus operative, calculating, perspicacious, intelligent, and manipulative. She didn't care about anyone other than herself and her sister. Cerberus would give her resources and an objective and she would get it done, no matter the cost, no matter the consequence. Always running, always surviving, Miranda Lawson didn't have friends, she had projects, and no one would ever describe her as warm. But here he was, staring into her eyes and seeing something he never expected. Miranda looked broken, like she had lost her best friend and he was the only one who could help get her back. And Kaidan Alenko had just told her he needed to move on. He felt like an asshole.

Before he could backpedal, her eyes flashed back to normal, cold and calculating, the Miranda he had heard about was back. He braced himself for the impact of her words, ready for her to berate him, he deserved it. She spoke the word so low that he had to strain to hear, and even then he wasn't sure he had heard her right.

"Bullshit." She said it with so much ice in her voice that it sent a shiver through him. He saw the anger in her eyes, a spark in a sea of blue and he could see the muscles contracting as she clenched her teeth, biting back something, some barrage of words that she was trying very hard to keep inside. In a flash, she composed herself and her features were back to normal. He took a deep breath to do the same. There was no use fighting her, he might as well hear her out.

"Major," she began, in the same calm tone she had used in the beginning. "I don't believe for one minute that you would give up hope before knowing for a fact that she's dead. Not again." The words were meant to sting, and they did. He remembered Horizon, remembered seeing her for the first time after two years, seeing a ghost.

_"If it wasn't for Shepard, you'd all be aboard that ship." A woman in a white nylon jumpsuit said to the mechanic by way of defense. They had gotten to Horizon too late and the Collectors had made off with most of the colonists. "Shepard? Wait I know that name, sure you're some type of big Alliance hero." The man said when he heard her name. Kaidan walked out from behind one of the colony structures, not sure if he believed his eyes. "Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." He looked at the mechanic. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan," looked back to Shepard, "and a ghost." Delan mumbled something about Alliance types but Kaidan wasn't listening anymore. He had lost her, his Shepard, she had died, he had mourned her, but here she was standing in front of him. He walked closer to her and took her into his arms. She didn't hesitate,returned his embrace immediately. His, he thought, she was still his. "I thought you were dead, Shepard, we all did." He held on for what seemed like a very long time, before she finally pulled away._

_"You don't sound too happy to see me. Something bothering you, Kaidan?" She had asked airily, like she hadn't been gone for two years, like she hadn't come back from the dead without even a word to let him know she was ok. Anger flared inside him and before he knew it he was spitting the words in her face. "Yeah something's bothering me. I spent the past two years believing your were dead! I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real." He looked down, he didn't want to see her face when he said the next words. "I... I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that." The anger was bubbling up through him and out through his mouth and he knew she would feel it. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" He looked into her eyes then and thought she was still there, thought he could see the warmth in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed, you've moved on, I didn't want to reopen old wounds." So she had kept away from him to try to protect him from the emotions? He didn't buy it, his Shepard would have come for him immediately._

_He looked to the woman to her left, there was a Cerberus emblem on her ensemble, the reports had been right. "I did move on," he dropped his eyes to avoid her gaze. "At least, I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus." The Cerberus woman made some comment about security, he ignored her. "Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit." He sighed, "Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy." He stared at her, the reports had been right, she was with Cerberus now, she hadn't even flinched when he said it. But he saw her harden, the warmth leave her eyes when she began to speak again. "Building the defense towers was just a cover story. The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?" She said it with a mix of rancor and sarcasm. No, she wasn't his Shepard anymore. "I was here for Cerberus," he began, "You were just a rumor." He put all his effort into not grabbing her shoulders and yelling it into her face, but he was sure his eyes betrayed him anyway. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me. "For a moment he saw something flash across her face - shock maybe - but she recovered quickly. Her eyes were cold, but her voice was softer. "Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason." She looked away. "You saw it yourself," she motioned toward the colony, "The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers." He took a fraction of a step closer to her, he could feel her biotics thrumming and he briefly thought back to a time when he could recognize every movement she made by the feel of her energy - but that had been his Shepard, not this woman - he reminded himself. "I wanna believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus." I don't trust you, wasn't that what he really meant? "They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it?" He shrugged at her. "What if they're working with the Collectors." The Cerberus bitch spoke up again, but Shepard was looking at him with something fierce in her eyes, and he didn't think she'd even heard the other woman speak. "I can see you won't listen to reason," Shepard said, the softness in her voice gone, replaced by the even tone she maintained when she was determined to complete a task despite all odds. He knew that tone, or at least he used to. But this wasn't his Shepard. "You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. What does reason figure into any of this?" Something flashed across her face again, hurt? He began to turn away before it could register. "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."_

He wouldn't give up hope. Not after that. Not after Horizon. Not after he had given up on her, just to spit accusations in her face when she was standing in front of him after two years. How did Miranda Lawson know that better than he did, how did she know his regret? He and Shepard had cleared the air but he had never felt free of the guilt. He had accused her of betraying him, but the truth was - he was the one who had betrayed her. He had decided not to trust her, even though he had always known deep down that Shepard was loyal to one thing - the survival of all races - and she would use whatever means necessary to ensure that survival, no matter whose colors she had to wear. That's why she was the Hero of the Citadel, of the Alliance, of the Normandy, the woman who defeated Saren, the Collectors, the Reapers. His Shepard, she had never betrayed her goal, and she had always succeeded. He had been the betrayer, and he'd never forgive himself.

Miranda was looking at him knowingly. And she took his silence as a cue to keep talking. She went on to speak of how one of the improvements they'd made to Shepard had been a medi-gel dispenser, designed to administer the healing salve at a steady rate. It was tied into the bio readings of her hardsuit. Miranda was theorizing that if the hardsuit detected injury or any detrimental change to her vitals, it would activate the medi-gel system normally, as most suits were already designed to do. However, due to the cybernetic enhancements, she believed Shepard could continue to receive small amounts of medi-gel for up to two weeks. They weren't deciding on a plan of action, just discussing the possibilities, and the fact that they may have another week to find Shepard alive.

Kaidan regarded her carefully. He had taken Miranda's presence on Horizon as confirmation that Shepard was working with Cerberus. At the time, before even knowing her name, he had regarded her as an enemy, with hatred and contempt. But he had come to know, as he should have always known, that Cerberus was working with Shepard, not the other way around. When it came down to Shepard, everyone always fell in line. She had the power to command loyalty from the most unusual suspects. She had gained the loyalty of this Cerberus operative, probably before Miranda herself had even realized it. She had gained the loyalty of an unshackled AI, of the geth, of the rachni. And now, in a little bar in London, Kaidan realized his own loyalty was what would ultimately bring Shepard home.


	3. Luna

**  
**

_“Luna, huh?” He asked and the question was met with a raised eyebrow. She followed it up with that wonderful half-smirk she got when she was about to throw him a bone. Rare moments, he thought, when she wasn’t giving him a hard time or doing everything in her power to make him uncomfortable. She set the datapad down on the desk in her cabin, perhaps realizing that he wasn’t going to let her get any work done right now. He smiled at her when she looked up at him again, the patient look of someone who was trying desperately to hide her frustration. Kaidan knew the frustration wasn’t because of him, she was at wit’s end with the Council politics, but he also knew that she was burying herself in work and he figured it wouldn’t hurt for her to not take things seriously for a few minutes._

_“My dad, he was a bit of a romantic.” She started, keeping the smirk on her face, but her eyes had gone somewhere else, focused on something far away that he couldn’t see. “When my parents found out they were pregnant, my dad tried to convince my mom to go back to Earth with him, so I could be born on the home planet and not a ship or a colony.” She snickered, shaking her head slightly. “My mom wouldn’t have it, she was determined to finish her post no matter what.” Kaidan smiled as she spoke, knowing that Shepard was very much like her mother, though he’d never met Hannah Shepard. “They were assigned to different ships at the time,” she continued. “But my dad took some leave and spent the last few days of the pregnancy on my mom’s ship. He bribed the helmsman.” Kaidan saw a light in her eyes then that he’d never seen. He could tell this had been a popular story of Shepard’s childhood, and one she held close to her heart, he knew that if he wasn’t held there with it, he would never have gotten to see this side of the woman he loved. “So my mom, she was pretty uncomfortable that last day before I was born, the doc put her on bedrest and she didn’t even notice where they were..” she flashed him a brilliant smile.. “until right after I was born, doc handed me to my mom, my dad was sitting next to her and he opened the shutter to the observation window. I was a little early - impatient from day one - but he had managed to get them just outside Earth’s atmosphere, and when they looked out they were in spitting distance of the moon.”_

_Kaidan looked at her then with new eyes. Shepard had never told him much about her family or her childhood. He had only seen her name by peering over her shoulder at the datapad she had been holding when he had entered her cabin. He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting when he said it out loud, but he felt that hearing the story had brought him even closer to understanding the mystery of his Shepard. She was looking at him with amusement and he was sure he was wearing his feelings on his face again, but he didn’t care. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into him, his other hand sliding over her cheek as he brought her face up to his for a kiss. “Hmm.. Luna.” He murmured. “I think I like it.” She kissed him back, tangling a hand in his hair before abruptly using it to pull his head back just a fraction of an inch. It didn’t hurt, just a bit of pressure, but it did interrupt the kiss and he looked at her with wide-eyed shock. “Don’t like it too much, Lieutenant. It’s still Shepard on this ship.” Her mouth was set in a thin line, meaning business, but her eyes were still alight with amusement, and he couldn’t help but laugh. “Yes ma’am,” he replied “it won’t happen again, Commander.” Her smile broke through then, and she joined him in laughter before they both got lost in another kiss. Sometimes you just need a break from all the insanity, Kaidan thought, having overcome the challenge of breaking through Shepard’s serious facade. And when she laughed he thought it was the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard._

**  
**

Kaidan woke from the dream and felt his whole world crash down around him again. It was one of his favorite memories of Shepard. A time of smiles and laughter and sharing. It had been a moment when war was forgotten and all that remained was the two of them. He had seen into her soul and she had  let  him. And it was just a dream. 

  


In reality, Shepard was not with him, in fact she might not be anywhere, and that day on the Normandy was ancient history. Before she became the hero of the Citadel, before she died and was rebuilt by Cerberus, before she beat the Collectors, before he doubted her loyalties, before he became a Major, before he fell in love with her all over again, and before she destroyed the Reapers. He walked into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. His biotics were vibrating along his nerves, responding to the dream, responding to the closeness of her. He would have a hell of a headache in the morning, but he didn’t try to suppress the feeling now. 

  


For the first time in a long time, he looked at himself in the mirror. He had gotten so good at hiding his emotions after she’d died on the Normandy, and it showed. Sure, his hair was disheveled from sleep - or lack thereof, but his face was composed and emotionless, save for some dark circles forming around his eyes. He stared at his own eyes in the mirror, not recognizing the man he saw there, and wondered if he’d ever get over the guilt. 

  


A sharp knock on the door interrupted Kaidan’s moment of self-loathing, and he looked at the clock on his omnitool suspiciously before turning to walk toward the door. It was the middle of the night, and he had made sure no one really knew where he was other than Hackett, so who the hell would be at his door at this hour? He hurriedly pulled on a pair of pants, stubbing his toe on the base of the bed in the process, cursing under his breath. He grabbed his Phalanx - well, it was  her  Phalanx, but he had found himself unable to leave her favorite pistol on the Normandy for the Alliance to confiscate - from where he had it stashed under the headboard and went to greet his guest. 

  


“Jesus fucking Christ, Alenko!” James Vega yelled at the heavy pistol aimed at his chest when the door opened. “What are you trying to do here, man? Fuck!” Kaidan lowered the side arm and sighed at the Lieutenant, stepping aside to let the man into his quarters. Vega ran a hand through what little bit of hair he had on the top of his head and blew out a breath, muttering something about insanity. Kaidan rolled his eyes. 

  


“Vega, do you have any idea what time it is? What the hell are you doing here?” His voice was much calmer than Vega’s had been a few moments before, but then he wasn’t speaking into the end of a gun. Vega was shaking his head at him in disbelief. “Listen, pendejo, you can’t just going around pulling guns on your friends, man. You need to snap out of it.” Kaidan was not amused and was out of patience. It’s not like he and Vega were really  friends , which was probably mostly because the latter had unabashedly flirted with Shepard on more occasions than Kaidan could count.  “Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Major.”  She had told him at the party, after he’d found out about the workout session she’d had with Vega in the apartment alone earlier that day. He never could keep his emotions from her, even with his best poker face. He ran his hand over his face, trying to shake the memory and focus on the here and now. “Ok, Vega. What’s up?”

  


Something was eating at Lieutenant Vega, he was pacing back and forth between the small kitchen area and the door of Kaidan’s quarters. He was a big guy, had much more bulk than Kaidan, who had eight years on him, and his size was made all the more intimidating in such a small space. He had been Shepard’s go-to-guy when it came to close quarters fighting and he’d always held his own even in the toughest of situations. Then again, Shepard never sent her team into any situation they couldn’t handle. Not after Virmire. He really needed to stop letting his thoughts go there, he tried to focus on Vega. Kaidan could see the tension in the man, but figured he’d let loose when he was ready, so he just leaned against the wall, arms crossed, watching Vega cross the small space over and over again. 

  


He finally stopped dead in his tracks and whirled around to face Kaidan. His eyes were wild with excitement and something else... maybe a little bit of hope? “Listen, brother, Lola is out there waiting for us to find her.” Kaidan’s heart sank at the nickname, not jealousy this time, just sadness. He had been jealous the first time he’d heard it. Shepard laughed him off.  “Doesn’t mean anything, Kaidan, he gives nicknames to everyone, he says I ‘kinda look like a Lola’ that’s all.”  And that had been the end of it. “I know, man, I know, we’re not supposed to go up there and look, we’re  too close and we’ll just get in the way.” Vega had begun pacing again, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “But man, you’ve seen that place. There’s got to be 50 klicks of wreckage to deal with, and I got a friend, an old squadmate up there helping who says they ain’t even looking on the right  level  yet.” This was news to Kaidan, he knew they’d found the control room, how did James know Shepard would’ve been somewhere else? Vega must have seen the confusion in his eyes because he stopped pacing to explain. “Look there was this control room, right? And that’s where they found the Admiral and the Illusive Fuckhead, right? Yeah well apparently the place where the Crucible was fired wasn’t that room, it was like.... above it, on a different level of the Citadel.” Vega was still talking when Kaidan walked slowly to the couch and sunk down onto it, he was afraid his legs were going to give out if he didn’t sit down and he needed something under him in case the rest of the new information was equally shocking. “So yeah, they’ve got hundreds of guys up there working on the wreckage, but they’re working on the arms starting from the bottom up, and I’m thinking whatever room Lola ended up in, it’s up - where the Crucible was docked. At this rate they’re never gonna get there in time.”

  


Kaidan Alenko felt hope draining out of him, hope he hadn’t realized he’d held onto. He had heard Miranda say the words, and he believed her, at least a little bit, but he had told himself deep down that he had lost his Shepard, his Luna. “We have a week,” he croaked out in a voice he didn’t recognize. He dropped his head in his hands and started rubbing at his temples, this migraine was going to be a doozy and he was out of meds. Chakwas was not inclined to give him more, either, in fear of him relying too much on them and growing dependent. “Major. You ok?” Vega seemed sincerely concerned and Kaidan did his best to look normal when he nodded to the Lieutenant. “Ok good, man, cause I have a plan.” He sat on the chair opposite Kaidan and began to chronicle his plan of rescue. “So we get a crew, small one, you know like a groundside crew. And we go up there and find her.” It was such a simple delusional idea, take a few people and rescue the Commander. Hackett would never let him do it. “There’s no way I’ll get clearance for a ship, and even if I did they’d never let me near the Citadel.” James was gaping at him and for a moment Kaidan wondered if he had heard himself right or if he’d said something way different than what he’d meant to. “Dude, I don’t know if you remember this, but you’re a fucking Spectre. And man, we’re not talking about commandeering the Normandy again - though I really wish I’d been there when you guys did that - I’m talking a Kodiak, I’ll call Esteban. We don’t need stealth and guns, we’re just gonna go play around in the rubble and find your sweetheart.” 

  


Kaidan considered this for a long moment. In theory, it was a decent plan. With Shepard, they’d taken groundside teams on missions that were  impossible for a small crew, and they’d not only made them possible, they’d excelled. Making the impossible possible, that’s what Shepad was good at, she did her best work under pressure. Isn’t that why she was N7, why she was recruited for Anderson’s team. That was surely why Cerberus spent billions of credits on bringing her back to life. They could have created an army of supersoldiers but they wanted her ideals, her determination. That’s why she was brought on to gather allies to battle the Reapers. Shepard ended two wars that were centuries old - one between the Krogan and the Turians and one between the Geth and the Quarians - the impossible made possible. But Shepard wasn’t here, and Kaidan didn’t know how to do what she did. She was one of a kind, a paragon of excellence, a woman who had completed each mission with honor and integrity, without sacrificing anything, or anyone. He’d watched her grow into that woman, and he didn’t know how to follow in her footsteps. 

  


Vega was still talking, but more to himself than anything, when Kaidan rose to his feet and went to the terminal to send an outgoing message. If there was any chance she was alive, even a fraction of a chance, he had to do whatever he could to see her again, didn’t he? Isn’t that what she’d have done for him? Isn’t that what Commander Shepard would have done for anyone on her team? Isn’t that what she had done time and time again for anyone who asked for her help? He turned back to Vega with new conviction in his eyes. 

“Call Cortez, let’s go get her.”

  



	4. Guilt

"Absolutely not!" Miranda Lawson yelled as she burst into Kaidan's quarters uninvited. Kaidan relaxed his hand slightly. He had been ready to pull his pistol when he heard someone outside tampering with his door. Now he realized that Miranda had decided to respond to his message in person and was so determined to be in control of this encounter that she had hacked the door's lock rather than knocking. He rolled his eyes as she advanced on him, clearly determined to speak out against his plan with whatever objections she had thought up.

"Are you out of your mind? Or do you just have a death wish? No one is going to let you just shuttle up into the Citadel and have your own little investigation." She spat the words in his face and he wondered momentarily what her problem was, but figured it best to let her get it all out of her system. He was vaguely aware of Vega smirking at them from the couch, and suppressed the urge to shoot him a warning look. Miranda was angry, and while he was sure it was unfounded, she was still a powerful biotic and he didn't want to provoke her anymore than he already had, however unintentional it had been. Kaidan thought Miranda would want to help, would be happy about the idea of taking matters into their own hands, she was the one who gave him renewed hope after all.

"Have you even thought this through? Do you have any idea what kind of defenses they have in play up there?" He hadn't, actually, not yet - which was completely uncharacteristic of Kaidan, he was usually the one who triple checked everything, never one to make snap decisions. He had assumed that all the Council's forces would be focused on the search and cleanup efforts, why would they put any resources into defending a bunch of wreckage anyway? She could see his response before he even opened his mouth, or maybe she just wanted to hear herself talk - he wasn't sure which. "I didn't think so," she continued, "think about it, Major, think about all the species that have homes and governments set up on the Citadel. Do you think they'd leave it all for looters without some sort of defenses?" She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head before looking back up at him. "You need a plan, a real plan, not just 'I'm a spectre so lets go commandeer a shuttle and rescue my girlfriend.'"

For some reason the mocking tone of her last point hit him hard and he could feel the anger rising up before he could push it back down inside him. "Why do you even care, Miranda?" He all but yelled the words in her face and she recoiled from them as if he'd hit her, but he didn't stop. The anger was abrupt and the tone harsh, but it was too late to stop it now. "How can you come to me, give me hope that she's alive, and then turn around and tell me not to go after her?" He took a step closer to her and she looked as if she didn't know what to do, and took a half step back as he continued speaking. "You have no idea how important she is to me, how many times she's been there for me, been there for all of humanity, sacrificed herself for the galaxy, and you want me to not try and find her?"

She found her voice then, and when she spoke it was low and smooth, all signs of her previous shock gone for good. "I do know, Kaidan, I know because I spent a year researching her, two years rebuilding her, and another year working with her. And while she was recovering from sacrificing herself for you, I was there." It was his turn to recoil, she had meant it to sting, and she'd hit her mark. "You think I didn't read the logs? She ordered you to leave her on the SSV Normandy, and you did, she gave her life for you and the crew." Kaidan stared at her for a moment and then hung his head, she was right, even though she was clearly saying it to get a rise out of him, Miranda was right. Shepard had always been protecting him, on Eden Prime she pushed him away from the beacon, not knowing what it would do. On Virmire, she sacrificed Ash instead of him. On the Normandy, she ordered him to get in the escape pod with the crew and he did. In London she sent him away on the Normandy SR-2, to protect him. How would he ever get past it if she didn't make it again. All the more reason for him to see to it that she had a future.

Miranda sighed. "Have you even thought about what happens when you find her?" The question surprised him, he wasn't sure what she meant, he had figured they'd make it up as they went, like they always had. "I.." he began, but she put up her hands to stop him. "You've been torturing yourself with guilt since she died three years ago, how will you live with knowing she would have died for you again? Do you expect to have a normal relationship?" He had, he had expected that, hearing it out loud made him realize how ridiculous that was. "Guess what, Major, Shepard isn't a normal woman."

"She has some guilt to live with too, you know." He said the words before he could stop himself and when Miranda's head snapped up he regretted them immediately. "Well, she cheated." He offered weakly by way of explanation. Miranda's eyes narrowed at him and he braced himself for another barrage. "She cheated?" The anger dripped from her voice and Kaidan was taken aback momentarily. Seriously, why did this woman care so damn much? "Do you not remember Horizon? Do you not remember how you called her a traitor? How can you stand here and say she cheated when you turned your back on her after she gave her life for you?" She was seething, he could feel her biotics raging beneath the surface and was surprised that she hadn't let loose yet. "She was broken, Kaidan, devastated. I was there, I saw it - and so did Thane - and he was struggling too, with Kolyat and his sickness, and they found comfort in each other." She held his gaze with ice in her eyes and he felt like she had stabbed him in the heart. "How dare you sit here and insult her - and him for that matter - accusing her of cheating on you after you made it clear you weren't willing to get past the Cerberus logo on her armor, regardless of your feelings for her." Miranda threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "Here you are getting ready to foolishly throw yourself at the mercy of whatever defenses surround the Citadel to save her and you're still holding a grudge against her for events that happened when you weren't together, events that were put in motion by you!"

He groaned in frustration, his emotions were causing his biotics to flare again and he could feel the headache coming on. He wasn't going to let her talk to him like this, she was only a part of Shepard's life because it was her job to be, but that time was over and she had no business being here now. "Why do you give a shit what I do or what happens to her, Miranda? You're just an ex-Cerberus operative bitch who was put on a job. Well guess what, the job ended over a year ago and your services are no longer needed" He saw her eyes flare bluer than normal and he almost missed the cue, but got his barrier up just in time to deflect the orb of biotic power she shot at him.

"I give a shit," she said, seething and breathing heavily and visibly trying to compose herself, "because Shepard is not a job, she is my friend" The confusion must have been evident on his face because she straightened her stance, sighing heavily, and ran a hand over her suit, smoothing the wrinkles caused by her display of biotics and explained. "Yeah, it surprised me too. Not that its any of your damn business, but she is the only person in my whole life who hasn't betrayed or left me." Miranda wasn't looking at him now, but gazing out the window and he suspected she might be crying. Her voice was small, and he could feel the pain radiating from her and wondered if Miranda would ever stop surprising him. "My father used me, my best friend sold me out, the Illusive Man discarded me when I didn't agree with him." She nodded, more to herself he guessed than to him since she had her back to him now. "Shepard and my sister, they're all I've got. So you see," she looked back to him and if she'd been crying, she'd composed herself before he could see. "I want to get my friend back, and I'm not going to let your reckless heroics screw it all up."

Kaidan released his barrier and stood up from his defensive stance. He looked to the couch where Vega seemed as surprised as he was. The man shrugged again. Kaidan looked back to Miranda and just stared for what seemed like a long while before speaking again. "Okay, what would you have me do?"

"Just," she paused, sighing again - "we need to cover all the angles here." She said, leaning against the couch. She looked exhausted, and he guessed the biotics weren't the cause. For the first time, Kaidan realized that Shepard had touched the lives of all kinds of people, all kinds of species actually. He wasn't the only person who needed her. In her own way, Miranda had found a friend in Shepard, and needed her to be alive as much as Kaidan did. This woman had been given near unlimited resources to bring Shepard back from the dead, she had devoted a chunk of her life into Shepard, while working for the Illusive Man. At the time she had been loyal to Cerberus, but that changed somewhere along the line. She had gained Shepard's trust and had been given her own in return. Shepard had saved Miranda's sister, twice now, even though Miranda's own informant - and best friend - had betrayed her. And Kaidan had been there the second time, when Shepard had saved Miranda's life as well.

He looked at her with new eyes now, he could see that it wasn't just a feeling of being indebted to Shepard, Miranda Lawson really did care for her, he still didn't quite trust her, but he'd try harder not to judge her. "I think we should sleep on it. Do what you need to do, go over your logs, call Hackett, just don't make any rash decisions and we can regroup tomorrow?" She looked a little frantic, like she was afraid for the first time in her life and wasn't sure how to handle it. He nodded, and noticed that Vega looked a bit disappointed. "That will give me a chance to contact some others that I know are still in this system. More brains, more possibilities." Vega got up off the couch, shaking his head at the lack of action. Kaidan sighed and showed them both to the door. "Tomorrow at 0900?" Miranda asked him. Kaidan nodded and Vega squeezed his shoulder as he followed the woman out the door.

He let out a great sigh as the door slid shut behind them. He was sick of Miranda being right. He had enough guilt to live with and now she had told him that he was the reason Shepard had cheated. He had driven her into another's arms for comfort. Could he even call it cheating? He had been, since he had found out he had been calling it cheating. But Miranda was right, again, he had turned his back on Shepard - believing she had turned her back on him - and he expected her to never move on? He'd tried to move on, hadn't he? He'd been dating that doctor before he found out Shepard was alive, but that was almost two years after she'd died. She'd begun moving on mere weeks after Horizon. Another thing he'd have to live with when they found her. And that brought him to another thing Miranda Lawson had hit on the nose. How would they have a normal relationship when he was holding onto so many grudges, so much guilt? They had cleared the air, but there was still so much they'd never discussed.

There was a knot in his gut as Kaidan wondered if he'd ever get the chance to apologize for any of it.


	5. Logs

Kaidan began the process of going back through the audio logs he had kept after the Normandy was attacked. He'd gone through them before, but not since reuniting with Shepard.

* * *

 

Personal logs - 2183 - Summer

\- Doc says I should keep personal logs of my memories, and the things I want to say, says they'll help me cope.

\- Anderson told me today that Shepard was officially declared killed in action. They haven't found a body so I am holding onto whatever hope I can muster. I can't get those last moments on the Normandy out of my head. I wake up from nightmares where I'm reliving it. There's fire all around us, and Shepard orders me to help the crew escape. Why did I let her make me leave? Why didn't I hold her hand till the end? I can hear her gasping for breath through the comm, it torments me.

\- It's been a couple months, I'm going back to helping with geth patrols next week. I will keep holding out for good news.

\- The Normandy crew has all dispersed. Too many alien species to continue as an alliance crew, but that's not the whole truth. The truth is, Commander Shepard was what held us all together, without her - well - we're just a bunch of different men and women without a leader. Normally, it would fall to me, but Anderson knows I can't lead - not yet. He keeps up appearances, pretends he doesn't know we broke the fraternization regs, but I know he can see how broken I am. Not the kind that comes with just friendship.

* * *

Personal logs - 2183 - Fall

\- It's been six months since the Normandy. No sign of Shepard. They have some monument on Akuze from her early days as a commanding officer. I hear they're having some sort of memorial there in her honor. I'm not going. She died and left me here. I'm not even alive, not really. I'm angry. She sent me away so she could die without me and now I'm stuck here without her.

\- My last entry was angry, and I shouldn't be angry with Shepard. I love her, I should have been with her when it went down. I should have been holding her hand, next to her where I belonged. Not in an escape pod with the crew. She should have let me die on Virmire and saved Ash, then I'd never have fallen in love with her and I'd be a war hero. I'd be better off with a memorial than as a shell of an alliance soldier. Going through the motions without really living them. But who am I kidding? I was already falling for her on Eden Prime.

\- Anderson wants me to head a spec ops group for biotics. I don't know why he thinks I'd be able to advise kids, I can barely convince myself to keep going sometimes. I guess my history makes me perfect for this, we'll see.

* * *

Personal logs - 2184 - Spring

\- It's been a year since the crash of the Normandy. We're reducing our patrols. There's almost no sign of geth activity anymore. Sometimes we get tips from civilian ships and we go take care of it with a few grenades and a small ground team.

\- A year later and I'd give anything to go back to Ilos, to see her again. I'd do it all over again, the whole war. I'd have laughed in the face of the regs sooner, so I could hold her more. It wasn't enough. It'll never be enough.. I don't think anyone is looking for her body anymore.

\- Doc's been listening to my entries, to help with my therapy she says. After the last one she said I need to try to move on. How can I move on when she's out there somewhere and she needs me? I just want to be able to see her again. If she was really dead, someone would have found her body. I can't give up on her. If the roles were reversed, she wouldn't give up on me.

* * *

Personal logs - 2184 - Summer

\- Tried to talk the doc into upgrading me to the L5 implant. She says the surgery would kill me. I wonder if it would be worth the risk. My headaches aren't as bad as they used to be I guess, but I'm also not constantly on missions like I was on the Normandy. I'd love to have the option of a stable implant, and the L5s have been tested over and over with good results across the board. Apparently upgrading an L2 to an L5 can cause major brain damage. I'd be ok with it I think.

\- Found out that the only way to get an L2 upgraded to an L5 is illegal surgery and the only people I've heard of doing those kinds of experiments are Cerberus. No way in hell I'd ask for their help, no matter how desperate I'd be. Have to be crazy or psychotic to work with a terrorist organization.

\- Doc says me holding onto this implant obsession is just another way of redirecting my grief away from thinking about Shepard and it's still unhealthy. Not sure what she wants from me, when I talk about Shepard it's unhealthy, when I don't talk about Shepard it's unhealthy. Maybe I shouldn't talk at all.

\- Apparently now I'm being passive aggressive. I'm going to focus on work, it's tough without the geth to occupy my time. Though I've been researching news articles from around Alchera which is where Anderson said they found some wreckage of the SSV Normandy. This, I'm told, is also unhealthy. I'm beyond caring about my health.

\- I can't talk about the Spec Ops group much here, it's Classified. But it's helping. I am helping people and that's helping me. Shepard would say "I told you so," if she heard me right now. Someday I'll be able to tell her all about it.

* * *

Personal logs - 2184 - Winter

\- Some weird shit happening in the Terminus systems. Apparently the colony on Fehl Prime was being attacked by Blood Pack mercs but people are saying its more than that.

\- Some of the guys have been on my case about one of the doctors here on the Citadel. I don't know how to explain to them that I don't want to date anyone. They think it's unnatural to hold on to someone who's dead like I hold on to Shepard.

\- Rumors are floating around that the Collectors were at Fehl Prime. Everyone knows the Collectors are nothing but a myth, but I haven't heard rumors of them since I was in BAaT. Well anyway, an Alliance team was sent out to Fehl Prime to help with the mercs and there was a serious firefight, but then some reports are saying a huge ship landed and started abducting the colonists.

\- The latest rumors say that the Alliance squad somehow disabled the "Collector" ship on Fehl Prime but then it crash landed with the colonists on board, so no survivors. No way that it could be the Collectors, but still weird happenings out there. I hope Anderson sends me to the Terminus, I am sick of being stuck in Citadel space, and my team is ready, they don't need me anymore.

\- A lot of human colonies are disappearing. No bodies, no destruction, they go off the grid and then when our troops get there to investigate there's no one there, no sign of a struggle. Freedom's Progress was the latest to go dark, if only we had some kind of warning.

* * *

Personal logs - 2185 - Winter

\- Finally asked Sarah out for drinks, the doctor I was talking about before. She's really nice, very positive about things. Like most people on the Citadel, she doesn't believe in the Reapers, but we don't talk about war stuff much so it doesn't really matter. I thought going out with her would get the guys off my back, but now they just dog me for details, I swear they're like women with their gossip. Anyway, it's nice to spend some time with a girl, it's nothing serious, maybe just a new friend, but it's nice.

\- There are rumors out there. I don't want to believe them. No, that's not true, I want to believe half of them. I heard that Shepard is alive, I know it's too much to hope for, but I have to at least try to believe, right? The other part is that she's working for Cerberus. That's where it gets hard to believe, if she was alive, she'd never work for Cerberus, not after what they did on Akuze.

\- We got a tip that the next colony to be attacked is Horizon. The Alliance started equipping human colonies with GARDIAN turrets when all this trouble began with people disappearing, but Horizon's don't seem to work right. Anderson is sending me out to take a look at them.

* * *

Personal logs - 2185 - Spring

\- Our tip was good. Horizon was targeted. The rumors were true, it was Collectors. The other rumors were true, also. Shepard is alive, I can hardly believe it. Just minutes ago she was standing in front of me... wearing Cerberus colors. I can't believe she'd betray me, betray the Alliance, I can't believe she didn't contact me. I can't believe Anderson knew and still didn't warn me. She said she spent two years in a coma, or some kind of stasis, while Cerberus brought her back to life. Maybe she feels like she owes them. I don't know, but she's not the woman I fell in love with, she's not my Shepard anymore.

* * *

 

Kaidan finished listening and ran his hands through his hair. He had stopped keeping logs after seeing Shepard again, but looking back through the logs he'd kept while she was presumed dead and he realized what a shell of a person he had been. Nearly two years he spent not really living, trying to pull himself together after losing her, and then when she was there in front of him he doubted her motives. He was an idiot.

He had realized it a few days after seeing her, and sent her a message sort of apologizing. But Miranda had been right, he still couldn't see past the Cerberus colors long enough to trust her. He pulled up the message he'd sent her.

 

* * *

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_-Kaidan_

* * *

 

He was about to put away the datapads and try to get some sleep when he realized he had access to Shepard's personal logs too. When Miranda had given him the files from Project Lazarus, she had included the personal logs kept by herself, a former Alliance Corsair named Taylor, and Shepard as the Commanding Officer. He hadn't looked at them, and even now he felt that it would be an invasion of her privacy, but he rationalized that there might be something in there that would be helpful. That, and his curiosity was getting the best of him. He called up the files and navigated to entries a couple weeks before Horizon, focusing on ones that Shepard logged herself.

 

* * *

Personal logs - 2185 - February 25 - XO Shepard

Part of my psych eval, or rather the process of pleasing Operative Lawson enough so she'll get the hell off my back, requires that I keep a log of anything "notable" that happens. Okay, well, recently I woke up on an operating table in a medbay to some crazy woman yelling over the com at me to get up and grab my gear. I then proceeded to fight my way through some hacked mechs that seemed intent on blowing up the station. Turns out, one of Lawson's lackeys turned on her and tried to kill us all. Oh and the best part is they all work for Cerberus, who apparently spent the last 2 years rebuilding me. Two years. Ilos feels like a month ago, the attack on the Normandy feels like days ago. I woke up expecting to find Kaidan standing over me with that worried look he gets while Chakwas lectured me about waiting too long to get to the escape pods. Instead I find out I'm a project for Cerberus and now the new threat is the Collectors (which I always thought were a myth, by the way). My old crew is scattered, Kaidan's file is sealed. I need to get to Anderson so he can get a message to him for me. No way they'll transmit a message from Cerberus to Alliance but Anderson will understand, I'm sure of it.

* * *

Personal logs - 2185 - March 1 - XO Shepard

Started building a crew, found Garrus! Crazy Turian was being all vigilante on Omega, same old Garrus - though the civilians were calling him Archangel, as if the damned bird needed a bigger head. Got him out of a tight spot, though he sustained some mandible damage. I assured him he was always ugly so it won't hurt his chances with the ladies much. Picked up a Salarian doctor who is really a genius, he's a little hyper and talks a lot but he grows on you. Also got an amazing biotic, we broke her out of jail, she's tight-lipped but she'll come around. Oh and a tank-bred Krogan, haven't decided if I'm going to wake him yet, too many unknowns but we'll see. Went to visit Anderson, but he wouldn't give me any intel on Kaidan while I'm working with Cerberus. I wonder how long it's going to take both sides to realize they're fighting for the same thing. Regardless, I don't work for Cerberus, they're just a means to an end. The Illusive Man is sending us to Horizon, he says Kaidan will be there. Once I see him, I'll feel better about all of this.

* * *

When he started to play the last file, he could hear the tension in her voice, and the audible sigh of defeat. It pulled at his heart.

* * *

 

Personal logs - 2185 - March 3 - XO Shepard

We got to Horizon too late. The Collectors were already abducting colonists. We got the GARDIAN turret online in time to scare them off but we weren't able to save the colonists they'd already loaded into their ship. They were putting them into some sort of weird stasis with swarms of bugs. We need to figure out what they're doing with all these humans. [long pause - another sigh]

I saw Kaidan, it wasn't the reunion I had hoped for. I was so relieved to see him, even though it's only been weeks to me, I figured he'd be overjoyed to see me since he's felt the full weight of two years apart. But he's really angry at me. I never would have thought he of all people would be unable to see what's really going on here. He has to know deep down that I'm only working with Cerberus to get to the Collectors because the Alliance is ignoring the threat that is right in front of them... the Reapers. Kaidan has moved on, maybe it's time I did too. There Miranda, I know you're listening to these. I'm done writing my feelings, loose ends tied off. Psych eval done.

* * *

"I'm an asshole." Kaidan said out loud to no one. She had tried to contact him, she had wanted to talk to him but couldn't, and when she realized she couldn't she assumed he'd know. And he should have known, his Shepard, she didn't work for Cerberus, she had tricked them into working for her. In the end they had followed her with unfaltering loyalty, a loyalty she commanded of anyone close enough to server under her. Because she was Commander Shepard, hero of the Alliance, and to know her was to follow her. She thought he'd see that, and he should have. He had watched her recruit a Krogan, a Turian, and a Quarian into her command and not once did any of them question her reasoning. He had loved her unconditionally, until the condition was Cerberus, and in that moment he had doubted her so quickly despite her beliefs to the contrary, that she had turned her back on him the moment she'd lifted off Horizon soil. Miranda was right, he had driven her away.

They had talked about it, on Mars, when he still doubted her, talked about it when he was in Huerta after getting pummeled by Dr. Eva, the Cerberus synthetic - they had deemed the air cleared then. But after, he had doubted her again -  even if only for a moment - during the Udina situation on the Citadel. He had ultimately pulled the trigger and put a bullet in Udina because when it came down to it he trusted Shepard's word, but he had doubted her at first. Before she welcomed him back onto the Normandy he had told her he wouldn't doubt her ever again, and he had meant it at the time. He wondered now if he had been speaking the truth. There had been times, times where they stumbled upon Cerberus in places where Cerberus shouldn't have been and he had wanted to ask her why. He had held back the urge to ask but there was always that little voice in the back of his head telling him that something wasn't right with his Shepard, that Cerberus must have changed something.

Then there was that night before the battle in London and she was there with him, completely. It had been just like before, but somehow so much more. It had been his Shepard, moving the same way against him and whispering his name the same way she used to and he had known with every fiber of his being that she was still his Shepard.

And then he'd let her send him away again. She was running into certain death and she'd ordered him away and he'd listened for the second time. He had pushed her away back on Horizon, but she had pushed him away on the Normandy, and again in London. It was time for him to get her back and hold on to her, once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got so long - apologies - I will try and keep them shorter from now on :D


	6. Doc

At 0700 hours, after getting barely a moment of rest since he'd seen Vega and Miranda out of his apartment the night before, Kaidan walked into the clinic where he knew he'd find Dr. Chakwas. She had been working at the clinic for the last week, helping out the injured soldiers and civilians as much as she could with whatever other medical professionals that had turned up. He wasn't sure what information he hoped to obtain by going there. He had seen the doc plenty of times in the last week while he was recovering from his injuries, if she'd known anything about Shepard she would have told him.

She nodded to him as he walked through the door, seemingly unsurprised by his visit, even though they had no appointment scheduled. She was working on some report on a datapad, there were no patients to see quite yet as the clinic was just opening. He figured any long-term patients were seen in the early hours of the morning so as not to take time from any new emergencies that could arise. Kaidan stood at a parade rest by the desk he knew to be hers, waiting until she was ready to see him.

Dr. Karin Chakwas was an older woman who had been assigned to the SSV Normandy as the med-bay physician. She had seen to all of their injuries and illnesses during the mission to stop Saren and the Geth. She was fantastic at her job, and she wasn't afraid to scold a soldier for being careless in the same way a family woman at her age would scold a grandchild who was playing with something that could hurt them. He respected her, and she had always had a rapport with the crew that he'd never seen of an Alliance physician in all his years as a soldier. She looked at him with mild amusement before chuckling.

"At ease, Major, permission to speak is granted, not sure what the hell you're waiting for."

Kaidan blinked and then relaxed his stance, smiling. She hadn't put down her datapad but he figured she could read and listen at the same time. Trouble was, he wasn't yet sure what he was going to say, so he just stared forlornly at the medigel dispenser in the corner of the room. When he looked back at the doc, she was studying him warily. He hated when people looked at him that way. The poor L2 who could snap at any moment. He knew, at least, that the doc was regarding him with medical curiosity and not pity. He shot her an apologetic look anyway.

"Kaidan, how are your migraines lately?" She asked, still looking him over, finally placing her datapad on the desk that was between them and motioning for him to have a seat across from her. He nodded curtly and obliged. It was hard for him to relax, even though he'd worked with the doc for nearly two years - first on the SSV and then again on the SR-2. She had worked with Shepard a lot longer than that though. He realized then what he had come to her for. It wasn't to talk about the Shepard that he was searching for after the destruction of the Reapers. It was to talk about the Shepard he hadn't been able to be with during the fight against the Collectors.

He breathed a deep sigh, gathering his thoughts. "I was just wondering," he ran his hand through his hair, keeping his eyes low to avoid making eye contact with the doctor. "If you could maybe tell me a bit about the time Shepard was with Cerberus." He cleared his throat. "I mean, how she handled everything." He looked back up at Chakwas, who was studying him again with a smile in her eyes. He didn't understand why she found this particular subject amusing, but the thought of it was slightly annoying, and he let out an exasperated sigh.

"Major," she began with warmth in her voice, "Kaidan," she corrected, now speaking as a friend. "If I understand what you're trying to ask me, you mean how did she handle being away from you?" He wasn't sure that was what he had meant until that moment, and surprise flashed across his face as realization dawned on him, but he just nodded slowly in response.

"I think," she continued - "that you would have been better off asking such questions of Kelly Chambers, as she was in charge of any of the crew's psychological injuries, while I was only in charge of the physical ones." Kaidan hung his head at hearing Kelly Chambers' name. He knew that she was another death that Shepard had faced as a result of the Cerberus coup on the Citadel. Another thing she had felt weigh on her with the guilt of every casualty Cerberus left in their wake. He wouldn't be getting any answers from the ghost of Miss Chambers.

Dr. Chakwas eyed him and smiled, a bit sadly, before speaking again. "However, Major, I can speak to you as someone who has had the pleasure of calling Luna a friend." His eyes flew back to hers and he waited eagerly for her to give him the answers he so desperately needed but had never had the cognizance of that need to ask Shepard himself. She seemed to understand everything his eyes were trying to communicate and she rose to her feet, offering to make some tea. He nodded, hoping the doc still had some herbal tea as it didn't encourage his migraines the way the black tea and coffee that the Alliance usually stocked always did.

When she returned, setting the mugs in front of each of them, her brow furrowed a bit as if she was contemplating whether or not to say something. She sat down and her features smoothed before she spoke. "Before I start, Kaidan, I want you to look at this as objectively as you can. I'm not telling you these things to hurt you or make you feel guilty. I'm telling you because I think maybe it'll help you clear your head to handle the task of getting her back, because I fully believe she's still alive." Chakwas nodded as she finished her disclaimer, reassuring him and also herself he suspected, that she was doing this for Shepard's own good, and not for his peace of mind.

She began talking to him about the medical logs she'd had access to after joining with the Normandy SR-2 team. The logs that described how Shepard had called out to him the first time she regained consciousness. She told him about the way Shepard never allowed anyone to think she was working for Cerberus, and how all of her former Cerberus crew were no longer with the organization, because they followed her and not Cerberus. The good doctor seemed to get more serious as she kept speaking, talking of the mission to Horizon, and how Shepard had known Kaidan would be there and had seemed to relax a bit at the thought of seeing him again. She had recruited Garrus already, and he was a good friend and a great asset to her and the crew, but Karin had known that Shepard would need to see Kaidan before being able to fully focus on the mission at hand. When she returned from the mission, she had been noticeably hardened, with a new resolve.

"I don't say that to make you feel bad, Major." She quickly said in an apologetic tone. "Just to explain that there was a change in her. She had realized exactly what was at stake and it had taken seeing you, seeing your anger, to really drive it home. She was no longer fighting for human colonies, she was fighting for humanity, including her own." He nodded, he had felt the guilt weighing on him since that day, but that's not what he felt now. He felt understanding, she had been different. He had seen it while evacuating them from Earth, again on Mars, she had tried to keep it showing through while he was back in the hospital on the Citadel, but he had heard the warmth in her voice. She had become a hardened soldier, not necessarily a bad thing, though it had gotten more difficult to reach her emotionally. But he knew that's what she had to be, who she had to be, in order to be the hero that the Alliance needed her to be, the Savior that the Galaxy needed her to be.

Doc looked at him before continuing, like she was making sure it had all sunk in the way she had intended. "Kaidan, you know that she wouldn't have let herself develop feelings for the Drell if she hadn't thought-" He raised his hand to stop her, he knew that, Miranda had made that clear. "I'm not here about her relationship with Thane, doc. I just want to know if there's anything I can do to help her."

Dr. Chakwas was silent for a moment, considering how to answer. She nodded and smiled at him. "Major Alenko, Shepard survived the massacre of her entire squad on Akuze, the prothean beacon implanted her brain with a technology that allows her to understand images from over 50,000 years ago. She was further altered by the Cipher from the Thorian. The Collectors killed her, and it didn't stop her. Cerberus implanted her with top of the line cybernetics and she didn't miss a beat. She survived a suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay, without losing a single squad member. Harbinger tried to kill her again in London and it didn't work." She grinned at him with all the confidence in the world, and he realized she believed it wholeheartedly. "Kaidan, I know that you're worried for her. But if anyone can survive all the odds that the universe can throw at them, it's her." She reached across the table to pat the top of his hand, it was a maternal touch, and it seemed very foreign from the doctor, but one look at her face and he could see just how sincere it really was.

"I should have been there with her, doc, for all of it." He shook his head, the self-pity needed to stop, but how could he deny the truth.

"You should have." She agreed, not accusingly, but matter-of-factly. It surprised him, but then she'd always been honest when they were making mistakes on the field, why should this been any different? "But you weren't, and she doesn't blame you for that," She gave his hand a squeeze "and at some point you're going to need to stop blaming yourself."

The door to the clinic slid open as a soldier limped in on crutches. He looked bad, but Kaidan was certain he'd been worse, he looked to have already been through a good deal of treatments.

"I'll let you get to it." He said to the doctor, picking up both mugs and carrying them to the sink for her as she went to greet the patient. She smiled back at him as he walked to the door. He turned back and nodded to her, "and thanks for the tea." He felt a lot better, as he walked out into the morning sun. His meeting with Miranda and Vega was about an hour away, he had sent messages to some others that he knew were still on Earth as well. It was time to form a plan of rescue for the Savior of the Galaxy. He wasn't prepared to live without her for another two years, it was time.


	7. Brainstorm

_Floating around the edges of consciousness there was only pain. White and hot - consuming - until the chill of the damp darkness took over again._

* * *

Kaidan took a moment to look around the large table in the clinic. He had suggested they all meet here so that Dr. Chakwas could join if she wanted to between patients. There was a large conference room in the back of the clinic, and since the staff was more - diminished - than it had been before the war with the Reapers, few people ever used it. They were seated at the large round table and Kaidan had gone about making coffee and tea for everyone.

Vega and Miranda were there, as they had agreed to the night before. Miranda was back in the white leather outfit he remembered from that first time he'd seen her in Horizon. Vega was in fatigues and a t-shirt that didn't even attempt to conceal the muscles beneath it. Next to Miranda sat Joker. Jeff Moreau was all too happy to be sitting next to the woman wearing a skin tight suit, and Kaidan was glad he was getting a break from mourning the loss of EDI, even if it was just to gape at Miranda.

On the other side of Vega was Jack. Subject Zero. The psychotic biotic. Kaidan had heard about her, but only met her once - at the Citadel party - and he hadn't gotten the chance to pick her brain. Other than Shepard, he hadn't known a lot of human biotics with power as intense as his were, and while she had been raised by Cerberus and he had been sent to BAaT, he figured they might have some things in common. He noticed she was more conservatively dressed than the last time he'd seen her. That wasn't saying much, however, as even with her fatigues and mesh shirt, she was still showing more skin than she was concealing. Nearly every inch of her skin was covered in tattoos, though, and while he'd love to spend some time hearing the story behind each of them, he assumed that she wouldn't jump at the chance to share.

Steve Cortez, the shuttle pilot, was talking quietly to Jack and Vega, though Kaidan noted that Vega was having a hard time keeping his eyes off of Jack's body while Cortez was having a hard time keeping his eyes off of Vega's. Jack seemed aware of this, and more than a little amused. Garrus, Tali, Grunt, and Wrex were all there too, having been stranded on Earth at least until the relays were repaired. They had offered their skills to the Alliance, and were being kept busy with repairs and cleanup. Garrus and Tali were speaking to each other in hushed tones and Kaidan smiled to himself. They had been working together for over three years now, and he remembered Shepard had been pleasantly surprised when she had found them... nuzzling before the battle in London, it had been a long time coming. Wrex and Grunt were having their usual pissing contest about who was stronger, and their voices were getting louder as the conversation escalated, until Chakwas entered the room with Liara and Samantha Traynor and hushed them.

Liara gave Kaidan a look of sadness and pity and he fought the urge to return it with a glare. He had no reason to dislike Liara. She was in love with the same woman he was, but how could he blame her. Shepard had picked him in the end and Liara's feelings for her had only had positive consequences - helping her with the cipher that ultimately allowed Shepard to understand the Prothean messages left behind, leading to Shepard's second chance at life, using her Shadow Broker intel to assist in the war. He gave her a tired smile, not because he wasn't grateful to her - he was - but because he really was tired. He couldn't remember the last time he got a good night's sleep.

* * *

_Pain fluttered around the edges. Pushing further to the center, intensifying with every inch. There was an intense pressure almost everywhere - shoulders, legs, ribs - and everything was shrouded in darkness. Fingers twitched but they weren't met with the usual return squeeze of assurance._

_Where was he?_

_Kaidan..._

* * *

When Conrad had suggested to Jenna that they should volunteer for the cleanup of the Citadel, she had been in complete agreement. They were technically only civilians, but he had spent a lot of time studying Commander Shepard and she had learned a few tricks while working undercover for Chellick. Still, she wasn't sure how Conrad had convinced the Admiral to let them work on the Citadel. She suspected, however, that Hackett had finally agreed in order to get rid of him. He had directed them to a stop that was populated with hundreds of workers assisting with the cleanup and rebuilding of the Presidium. However, Conrad had steered the shuttle to the far end of the wards, and Jenna had narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion.

"Jenna, there are hundreds over there, they don't need us. There could be survivors up here and no one is even looking." He had explained, and she had understood right away and nodded in concession.

But - after several days of searching and finding nothing but bodies and rubble, she had started to lose hope. Jenna knew Conrad was looking for the Commander, and while she wasn't necessarily jealous with his unnatural obsession with the woman, she thought it was a futile effort. How could she possibly have survived not only the blast that took over the Citadel but also the following week without rescue. Conrad was still going at it with a vigor she wouldn't have thought possible after nearly a week of work with little rest.

"Con, hun, maybe we should take a break."

He looked at her with surprise, and she returned his look with a soft smile, he needed to start to consider the possibility that they wouldn't find her alive, if they found her at all. He hadn't had the easiest life, and Commander Shepard had been his motivation when he got older and was stuck in a loveless marriage with thoughts haunted by the memories of an abusive father and a red sand addicted mother. Shepard had been a woman who had survived despite the worst of situations and had gone on to be the hero of the Alliance. He wanted to be like her, and Jenna had initially found it endearing. It would be hard to see him realize she had died. After he had placed her on such a pedestal she figured he thought of her as invincible. If she had a weakness, though he had Jenna now, she knew it would still be a tough pill to swallow. She would stay here with him until there was no more hope, but he was looking weary and she wanted to take a break.

He seemed to see the concern in her eyes, because he nodded slowly.

"Ok, Jenna, you're right, we need a break." He smiled at her, a sight that caused a flutter in her chest every time she saw it. She did owe Shepard, she had saved her from a bad situation and later she had been the reason Jenna and Conrad had found each other. She was grateful for all of that, and she knew she'd see this through until they were sure she was safe or dead. She took Conrad's hand as he helped her down onto the floor with him and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes, wiggling closer to her boyfriend and breathing in the calm around them. The calm in the midst of wreckage that had cost the lives of millions.

* * *

Kaidan was getting tired, they hadn't made any progress. No one had any ideas that they could follow through with in enough time to actually save her. The thought sent a shiver down his spine and he watched his friends, and acquaintances, eleven of the people who cared about Shepard the most and they were dangerously close to losing faith in her return to them. He rubbed his hands over his head and through his hair, stopping to rest at the implant scar on the back of his neck, massaging it gently to try and stop the migraine that was threatening to take over his head at any moment. He hadn't noticed Liara moving closer to him until she was beside him, hand on his shoulder. She didn't say anything and he didn't look her in the eyes, but he was comforted nonetheless. They were close to losing the one person who meant the most to both of them, but they were there together, feeling the same sorrow, and there was a camaraderie in that realization that neither of them had shared before.

* * *

_There was a muffled raspy breath, followed by an equally muffled hoarse cough. It took her a moment to realize the sounds were coming from her, as she felt what resembled someone dragging metallic claws down the back of her throat. The darkness was overwhelming, but she thought she saw a small beam of light coming toward her right before she slipped back into unconsciousness._

_Perhaps it was time to let go._

* * *

They were walking along a hallway filled with rubble, much like the other hallways they had searched. Jenna could hear nothing but their footsteps through the wreckage. Conrad smiled at her as they continued down the hall, and she flashed him a grin back, she would be happy to get home once this was all over, and spend their nights in their own bed instead of a sleeping bag. He began humming quietly to himself and she smiled again, he knew how to set her mind at ease, without her even giving words to her worries.

Jenna placed her hand on his arm when she heard something, signaling him to stop so she could listen better for the source of the disturbance. It was easy for your mind to play tricks on you in a place like this, all wreckage and bodies, but she was convinced she had heard a cough coming from further down the hall. She tilted her head toward the sound and he nodded in acknowledgement, walking just a bit in front of her. Jenna smiled again, always the protector, he almost took a bullet for Commander Shepard, and she knew he'd do the same for her in a heartbeat. She frowned at the thought, hoping there was no danger of gunshots on this adventure..

* * *

Kaidan was making some more tea for everyone, they had agreed that they all needed a pick me up and they were going to give it a few more hours of brainstorming before calling it a day. The plan was to take any information they had gathered and present it to Admiral Hackett with a formal request to search for Shepard, but Kaidan knew they'd need at least something to go on before Hackett would entertain the notion. So they were going to compile all the data, and Kaidan was going to present it.

* * *

_The sound was wrong, like after a flashbang grenade had gone off too close but for some reason this time the hearing loss didn't fade. It sounded like someone was tapping a message out under water. When she shifted to try and turn toward the sound it felt like a million needles jabbing into her body, and then the darkness washed over her again._

* * *

"Holy shit, Jenna."

The words were a whisper so quiet that she wasn't sure that she had heard him say them at first. But when she stepped into the space next to him she realized she what had caught his attention.

"We did it." He breathed, and despite the darkness she could see the relief washing over his face. Her mouth gaped open at the sight of Commander Shepard laying in the rubble. She wasn't conscious, and she wasn't moving except for the very slight rise and fall of her chest as she took shallow, rasping breaths. She was alive.

Jenna hadn't realized how relieved she really was to see Shepard alive until she tasted the tears that had fallen onto her lips. Conrad let out a burst of quiet laughter as he typed something into his omnitool and then kneeled beside the broken body of his hero to begin the process of removing the debris from on and around her. Jenna happily knelt down to help.

* * *

The group had fallen into easier conversation after all the data had been gathered. They were reminiscing about each of their favorite times on the Normandy, or with Shepard. It wasn't the depressing remembrances of friends talking about a loved one who had passed, but the musings of friends talking about a loved one who they hadn't seen in awhile, but would again. No one here was willing to consider that Shepard wouldn't come back, and Kaidan felt oddly comfortable right here. Away from the guilt and regret and loneliness he felt when was at home - these people, as different as each one was - made up some sort of family. The thought made him smile.

He was still thinking about the events that had brought them all to be serving under Commander Shepard at one point, when his omnitool pinged to alert him of an incoming message. It was Admiral Hackett, and he frowned realizing it was quite late for a professional call. He brought his hand to his ear to greet the man and his breath caught in his throat as he listened to his words. Something must have changed about him outwardly because a silence fell over the room and he realized everyone was staring at him.

"Yes, I understand. Thank you Admiral," he said into the receiver of his omnitool before turning to face the group. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath and he looked from one face to another, nodding finally -

"She's alive," he choked out, and he wasn't sure they heard him at first until the room was filled with the sound of eleven breaths being released in relief.


	8. Foot in mouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the wonderful confessionforanothertime (tumblr) for beta reading and editing all my silly mistakes! :D

_3 1/2 years ago - 2183 - SSV Normandy_

"Did you hear? They're bringing Shepard on as our XO," Jenkins was saying in a conspiratorial whisper. Kaidan was focusing on his tea and trying to will away the dull ache that was starting at the base of his neck. The mess was nearly deserted, and he wasn't quite sure why Jenkins was whispering, but he just responded with a listless "hmm?" so his friend at least knew he was listening.

"Hmm?" Jenkins responded incredulously, "What kind of response is that?" He sighed, clearly annoyed with Kaidan's lack of interest in this particular piece of information, and Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes and made an effort to straighten in his chair and give the man his full attention.

He tried to sound less preoccupied.

"That's interesting," Kaidan told him, which was met with a grunt from Jenkins, clearly this was not the way he should be responding. Finally he motioned to his friend to go on - knowing he'd have plenty of opinions on this new post, and at least then Kaidan would know how he was supposed to feel about it. Jenkins took the cue immediately.

"You know, they say she's a crazy bitch? That she survived on Akuze by being indifferent to her team and what they were going through. Ruthless."

Kaidan had heard the stories. Shepard had been commanding a team that had been sent to investigate a colony that had gone dark. When they got there, the colony stood with no survivors to be found, and that night Shepard's squad had been attacked by thresher maws. She was the only one to make it out alive.

"I don't know, Jenkins," he started - baiting his friend a bit, "maybe she's just a survivor." Jenkins blew a a frustrated puff of breath out and Kaidan grinned at him.

"You're a pain in the ass, Alenko. Whatever, man, crazy bitches are the best in the sack, you know." This time Kaidan really did roll his eyes.

"Either way," Jenkins continued - talking at a much more normal level now, "she's got an impressive service record for someone her age. I bet she's been brown nosing the brass."

Kaidan just nodded as he went to deposit his mug before heading back to his terminal, not really listening anymore due to the escalating migraine he was failing to control.

* * *

Kaidan hated these formal meet and greets. He was standing at a parade rest with the rest of the soldiers, waiting to meet the infamous new XO - Shepard. All of the marines were standing shoulder to shoulder on the bridge, quiet anticipation rolling over them while they waited for the airlock to open and Captain Anderson to come aboard with their new crew member. When they heard the hiss of the decontamination process, he observed the tensing of each soldier, and he followed suit when they all stood at attention.

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting. A battle-weary woman with wrinkles and scars and grey hair? He vaguely remembered Jenkins' earlier comment about her service record being profuse for someone of her age, and while he hadn't paid it much mind at the time, he now knew exactly why his friend had been so impressed. Shepard was not an older woman, riddled with scars and wrinkles and grey hair. She was slender and fit, with striking green eyes, red hair cut just to her chin, and tan skin that was sprinkled with freckles. The only scar that Kaidan could see was one that started above the right side of her mouth and trailed down to connect with her upper lip. He didn't realize he was staring at her mouth until he saw the corner lift ever so slightly and he forced his gaze up to meet her eyes. She was smirking directly at him with a raised eyebrow and he was mortified, but also extremely aware in that moment of how attractive he found her. He willed away the blush that was rising to his cheeks as he watched Anderson continue his introductions and tour of the SSV Normandy.

* * *

"Man, I would be honored to serve under her anytime," Jenkins was whispering crudely at him that evening. Kaidan shot him a glare and turned back to his dinner. It wasn't that he hadn't thought of it, in fact he'd been able to think of little else since the presentation of their XO earlier that day. It was unlike him to be so unprofessional, even in his personal thoughts, but there was something about her that got under his skin. Something that made him vow to make it his duty to elicit as many of those smirks from her as he possibly could.

He almost spit out his food when he looked up and saw her leaning against the wall at the other end of the mess - definitely in earshot - with a cool amusement on her face. She must have sensed him staring, because she met his eyes a moment later and he was rewarded with another smirk. Kaidan mentally kicked himself as he felt his cheeks flush with color again. 'What the hell was wrong with him. He was a grown man, not a teenage boy and it wasn't as if he'd never served with a woman before - he'd served with plenty. He'd even served with attractive women before. Why was this one affecting him so much.' He made an effort to focus back on his food again, and when he looked up a few minutes later, she was gone.

* * *

Jenkins was wrong about her. It was too bad he wasn't able to see it. When he went down on Eden Prime and Kaidan realized he was dead, he half expected Shepard to give him some callous speech about soldiers and death . But she was not ruthless, she was comforting, telling Kaidan that his friend deserved better. She invited Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams to join them, after learning that her whole squad had been taken out by the Geth. He knew Shepard could relate, but never expected her to welcome the other soldier without hesitation. When Kaidan was an idiot and got too close to the Prothean beacon, she pushed him out of the way and put herself in danger to keep him out of it. This woman definitely cared for her crew.

15 hours later and she was waking up in the medbay. He was there with her the whole time, much to the doc's dismay. He was determined to make sure she was okay, especially after she risked her own safety for him.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?" Dr. Chakwas was saying, and he noticed Shepard rubbing her palm against her forehead and he figured she had one hell of a headache.

"Minor throbbing. Nothing serious," She responded and he would've bet all of his credits that it was a lie. "How long was I out?" she asked calmly, but her hands were shaking. Definitely a lie.

"About 15 hours, something happened down there with the beacon I think," Chakwas told her.

"It was my fault," Kaidan jumped in apologetically, "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way." He expected her to berate him for his carelessness, but she turned to look at him over her shoulder, an impossible warmth in her eyes after what she had just been through.

"You had no way to know what would happen," she said reassuringly.

He caught himself grinning like an idiot before mentally kicking himself, he was doing a lot of that lately. Chakwas continued to explain what she had found during her examination, and Shepard thanked Kaidan for getting her back to the ship before Anderson entered the medbay and asked to speak with her in private.

As he walked back out to the mess, Kaidan smiled to himself. Shepard was a puzzle, but he was looking forward to putting all the pieces together.

* * *

"I'm glad to see you're okay. Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew. And I'm glad we didn't lose you, too," Kaidan said as Shepard walked into the mess from the medbay. He felt like an idiot.'Glad we didn't lose you? No shit.' But she didn't admonish him for it, simply asked how he was doing.

"Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn't seem right, somehow. But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony," he assured her.

"I couldn't have done it without you," she said so matter-of-factly and yet he found himself grinning again.

"We're marines. We stick together," he chirped, sounding cheesier and cheesier the more he spoke, "I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."

"Yeah... I wish I could've done something to save him." She looked slightly defeated, and in that moment he realized just how human Shepard was. She wasn't a legend or a ruthless marine, she wasn't a woman who'd accomplished more than most. She was a soldier, just like the rest of them, affected by loss and defeat - just like the rest of them. And he felt he needed to comfort her in some way.

"I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck," He assured her, trying to make his voice lighter when he continued, "It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise. Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council's not gonna be happy about that. Probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance."

"You've got a good grasp of the situation. You a career man?" she said in appreciation with a nod. He looked at her for a moment before answering and tried again to make light of his response.

"Yeah, a lot of biotics are. We're not restricted, but we sure don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it," he replied with a shrug, "besides, my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted. Eventually. But is that why you're here? Because of your family?" He was prying, he knew he was - but he just wanted to know more about her.

"I was a regular Navy brat," She said without any hint of surprise at the question, mirroring his shrug.

"I got a little more noteworthy than the folks expected."

"Ah that's right, Akuze. I imagine that bought you any post in the fleet," he responded without thinking, then felt like an ass, probably a sore subject and he barely knew the woman. He quickly moved on to another topic. They talked a bit about their trip to the Citadel before getting ready to dock.

* * *

He made the mistake of putting his foot in his mouth again while on the Citadel, much to Ashley's amusement. Williams wasn't about to let him live it down either. He had accidentally admitted to finding Shepard attractive and had been humiliated immediately by Williams. Shepard was kind about it, but he could hear the cool amusement in her voice.

* * *

Later, when Shepard was given command of the ship because Anderson had "stepped down," he noticed her fierce loyalty to the man when she blatantly called Udina out on what she perceived as forced retirement. He was sure she was right, but was shocked by her insubordination. Even more shocked by Udina's lack of action on the subject. The woman garnered a lot of respect from Alliance brass - he didn't know how she did it.

After that, he found it easier to slip into casual conversations with the commander. The captain's cabin was right next to his terminal, and she frequently stopped by to get his assessment on a mission or a decision she would have to make. He felt comfortable speaking freely about his opinions, and she never chided him for them, though she teased him often about his "romantic" notion of the Alliance. There was the one time she joked with him about the proper way to address his commanding officer when he'd called her "Shepard," but she hadn't balked when he told her he wasn't speaking to her as a commanding officer. He had talked with her honestly about Jump Zero, and it was the first time he had spoken of his experience to another soldier in ten years, but she just made it so easy because they were... friends?

He hadn't realized just how easy it was to talk with her until he put his foot in his mouth yet again saying he thought she was unstoppable and he'd never met a woman like her. He sounded like he was talking to a hero. She surprised him - she was always surprising him - by saying she liked the man he had become, despite his rough upbringing. It made him bold, and he was encouraged when she smirked at him and warned him that he was a distraction. He'd countered with his own warning - "It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights." It was the first time he saw the heat in her eyes, she buried it fast under another smirk, but it was there and he knew that he wasn't the only one dying to break regs.

But his confidence had faltered when Liara T'Soni showed unashamed interest in the commander, and he found himself feeling jealous - a completely foreign emotion to him - and he felt like an idiot for thinking he could have.. what... a relationship with his CO? She had mocked his insecurity with another smirk and another raised eyebrow and he didn't know how he was supposed to have a serious conversation with her when she kept doing that.

"All right, Alenko. Off the record, permission to speak candidly, cross my heart and hope to die. What are you talking about?" she had asked him with amusement and exasperation in her voice. He had stumbled through the words like a bumbling idiot when he explained he thought she was being distracted by Dr. T'Soni and he noted just a hint of annoyance in her voice when she wondered why he was so worried about her personal affairs, and she changed the subject too quickly. He had hit a nerve and he wasn't sure why he'd questioned it, they didn't have time to get caught up in the details and he didn't want to scare her away now - he enjoyed her company too much.

Then they were grounded, and she was taking it hard, all but collapsing onto the floor by the lockers. He tried to comfort her, tell her to appeal, and he found himself speaking about the Council with the same bitterness she had thrown in Udina's face when Anderson stepped down. He understood her loyalty now, knew he'd do anything for his commander - he trusted her decisions as if they were his own. But in her usual form, always teasing - she had hassled him about his lack of comforting words and he placated her sarcastically. When he helped her up, she had stumbled into his arms, his arm around her waist and hers against his shoulder. It was the first time she lost control of her biotics around him - not enough that a non-biotic would have noticed - but enough that he could feel the hum of energy against his skin. He knew she was taking things rough, but he had watched her maintain such steady control that the change was unexpected. He liked it, and for a moment he thought maybe the response was less about her weariness and more about her proximity to him. Right there next to the medbay he decided to test his theory. Looking into her eyes so she knew his intentions, Kaidan leaned down to kiss her.

Joker had come over the comm system then, and he could have killed the man.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson," Kaidan reluctantly told her she'd better go, while silently cursing the helmsman.

Interruptions notwithstanding, Kaidan's prediction ended up coming true on their way to Ilos. He had said the spark between them would work itself out, and he found himself walking into her cabin late at night, rambling on about how they didn't know if any of them would make it out of this mission alive and he wanted to say a lot of things but just couldn't find the words. She had bared a bit of her own vulnerability, confirming his previous assessment that she wasn't buying into the hero worship she always received. She was just a woman, doing the best she could and just hoping she was making the right put his foot in his mouth one final time by inadvertently repeating Jenkins' words from Shepard's first night on the ship.

"I've enjoyed serving under you," he said with a straight face and then promptly wished he hadn't. Vulnerability dissolved in an instant and she countered airily with that smirk.

"Kaidan, I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me," she teased, but her voice dropped to a low throaty invitation, "don't you think it's time to rectify that?" Her words slid over his body, and he was unprepared for the desire he felt for her... so he started rambling again, laughing nervously, talking about fraternization regs, and she was staring at him with amusement until he finally caught up to his thoughts in time to save himself. "The galaxy will just keep going. But you and I, we are important right now."

He had tried to use her joking tactics against her when she asked him to bunk with her, asking if it was an order. She looked hurt before answering, but told him assertively that she wasn't looking for a pet. He'd told her with seriousness that he didn't want it to change anything, that he was happy with the crew and didn't want to mess things up. He'd made it sound casual, and it wasn't, it was the most amazing night of his life up until that point. He wanted to tell her as much when it was over, but he was interrupted by Joker once again, and it would have to wait.

He had wanted to tell her that he hadn't cast aside the fraternization regs just to blow of steam with a member of the crew. He wanted more from her, and he planned to let her know exactly that as soon as possible.


	9. Broken

_"I'm proud of you."_

_Anderson's voice echoed in her mind. In Shepard's dreams she was always haunted by the dead. Or maybe this time she had finally gone to join them. She noted that she was still engulfed in darkness and remembered Benezia's dying words on Noveria._

_"No light, they always said there'd be..."_

_But if she was dead, would she still feel this pain?_

* * *

Kaidan never thought he'd be happy to see Conrad Verner. He remembered the first time he'd met the man, the obsessive fan on the Citadel that harassed Shepard until she had agreed to let him take a picture with her. It was the first time he'd seen Shepard blush, clearly not comfortable with the hero treatment. After years of it, she never got a big head about it, always the humble one, blushing when people called her a superhero or a savior. Conrad Verner had idolized her, to the point that Kaidan had thought him a threat, and now he had been the one to find her. He had to admit it hurt his pride a bit.

There wasn't time to ask him how or why he had gone with his girlfriend to the Citadel to help cleanup, or why he was on a side of the station that was nowhere near the rest of the cleanup crew. The shuttle had landed, and behind Conrad and Jenna were field medics carrying a stretcher, and the sight of it was almost too much to handle.

Kaidan gasped when he saw her, he had seen Shepard after gunshot wounds, broken bones, burns, scars, and internal bleeding. He had never seen her with all of them at once. She looked so small, so broken. Her armor was scorched and melted from either the Reaper's beam or the Crucible's explosion, he didn't know which. She had a gunshot wound to the gut and her leg was bent in a way that made it clear that it had been broken. Dried blood was all over her left arm. There were gashes all over her skin where it was exposed, and he was sure there were countless more beneath her armor.

He remembered a time when he had resented Cerberus for healing all of the scars he had discovered while learning her body during their time together. Now seeing her like this, he wasn't bothered by the fact that she would come out of this with a whole new set, but for the first time he was wondering if she'd even come out of this. When he'd gotten the call that she was alive, he hadn't even considered the shape she'd be in. He could see her chest rising and falling slowly, her breaths much weaker than they should be, and he could hear the rasping sound coming from her mouth. She was alive, he reminded himself, and Chakwas was the best. She'd make it; she had to.

Her fingers twitched, and he reached out to squeeze them, an instinct from so many times standing next to her in the medbay while Chakwas patched her up after a groundside mission.

She had done the same for him countless times. He was only able to hold on for a moment before the medics carried her past him into the clinic, and he turned to see everyone had joined him outside to greet the shuttle. They were all looking at their commander with the same dread that he had felt mere moments before.

Kaidan straightened and composed himself as he followed the medics into the clinic. It was his job to be the strong one now, while their commander was out of commission, and he wasn't about to let them down.

* * *

" _Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm... I'm sorry. It's the only way." It was Legion's voice she heard now._  


_Why did they haunt her, wasn't she being punished enough? The universe had realized its mistake in letting her live, letting her cheat death. She had unraveled the course of many cycles and changed everything, and she shouldn't have even been alive to do it. Now she was being punished, held in darkness and pain for eternity. Maybe Ash's God had decided she wasn't worthy to meet her friends again, and instead she was to be tormented by their voices, those she lost in this war._

_She felt the familiar squeeze then. It wasn't a disembodied voice taunting her from the darkness. It was real and it hurt, fingers squeezing at her seemingly broken ones, but it felt like home._

_Kaidan._

* * *

He heard her breathing hitch for a moment, and he began to panic as he ran closer to the stretcher to examine her features. Her brow, though smeared with blood, was furrowed, and he knew the pained expression even though her eyes were closed.

"What's happening?" he demanded from one of the medics.

"Nothing, I think she's trying to speak," the man said, looking at him, clearly annoyed and shrugged.

'Trying to speak? She was clearly unconscious, how could they think she was trying to speak? ' He rushed over to her side again and grasped her hand in his, causing the medics to stop moving for a moment. Kaidan leaned down and studied her face for any sign of awareness.

"I'm here, Shepard, and Chakwas is here, we're going to get you back to your old self in no time," he whispered to her, still watching her face. He saw it change before his eyes, and his heart leapt when she croaked out, almost inaudibly, what he was sure was -

"Kaidan."

"Don't die," he whispered, echoing the words she had whispered to him after Mars, words he'd never told her he'd heard. And then, in a lighter tone he added, "that's an order," while squeezing her fingers one more time before allowing the medics to get her to the doctor's operating table.

* * *

_"Don't die, that's an order."_

_She thought she'd heard the words come to her in Kaidan's voice. That wasn't right, she was the one that had said them to him, wasn't she? And she was the one that was dead, not him. Oh god, not Kaidan. All the voices she was hearing were of her dead friends, Kaidan couldn't be one of them. The universe wouldn't take him too._

_She was vaguely aware of being moved, and thought she felt something pinch her skin before the darkness took over one more time._

* * *

15 hours later - September 23rd

Kaidan was pacing. Dr. Chakwas refused to let any of them inside the operating room while they worked on Shepard. She had, in fact, ordered them all to go home, and - since it had been a very long day - most of them had. Joker, Miranda, Liara, and Garrus were the ones who remained there with Kaidan. They had stayed all night, sometimes sleeping, sometimes talking with each other, most of the time silently working on something. The four were sitting at the conference room table while he paced back and forth in front of the door that Chakwas had locked behind her so as not to have any interruptions.

Liara looked concerned, which didn't make Kaidan feel any better; he was sure she was hurt, which kept her from lending her medical expertise to help with the procedures. Dr. Chakwas had not said anything to the group, positive or negative, yet. She had gone in the room, asked for two more medics, and went to work on Shepard's mangled body. There were few noises coming from the room, whatever they were doing they were doing in almost complete silence.

Miranda had been working diligently on a datapad for hours; he wasn't sure if it was actual work or if she was just reading reports to keep herself busy. He assumed the latter.

Garrus had disassembled and reassembled his Black Widow at least three times since they'd brought Shepard in. It was an impressive weapon - Shepard had clearly gotten it for him, since it was a Spectre model - and he was methodically cleaning every piece of it. But as complicated as the sniper rifle was, Kaidan doubted it needed such thorough cleaning. Then again, Garrus always did have to play with a gun to keep him distracted.

Joker had fallen asleep again at least an hour before, lying down across three chairs, a steady stream of drool running from his lip to one of them, but no one else had seemed to notice.

When the door slid open and Dr. Chakwas reentered the room, Joker swore under his breath as he hit his head on the underside of the table upon waking up. Everyone jumped to attention, awaiting the news.

Chakwas looked at them strangely, as though she wasn't expecting them to be there.

"At ease soldiers," she glanced at the remaining group, "...and otherwise." Everyone seemed to relax just slightly, and Kaidan stood at a parade rest, hands behind his back, as the woman spoke.

"I've done all that I can for her, and it looks bad, but I think she's going to be okay." This was met with a collective sigh from the inhabitants of the room. The doctor flashed them a forced smile before her features became serious again, "It's going to take a lot of time - and a lot of work - until she'll be back to her old self again." She told them how Shepard had suffered a gunshot wound to the stomach, presumably even before she had made it to the Citadel, and the medi-gel enhancement from Cerberus' rebuild was the only reason she had survived this long. He caught the relieved smile on Miranda's face and felt genuinely grateful to her. Shepard also had four fractured ribs, a fractured collarbone, multiple fractures throughout her arms and legs, and countless contusions and lacerations that would need time to heal. In addition to all of this, several pieces of her armor had fused to her skin in the explosion. When Kaidan inquired as to what it all meant for her recovery, they finally heard the weight of it all.

"The medi-gel did wonders for her," Dr. Chakwas began, "It set her bones and prevented any vital organs from being punctured in the process, but therein lies the problem." Kaidan heard a quiet gasp and turned to the sound, Liara had realization dawning on her face and looked horrified.

"You mean to say..." she paused. "You had to re-open all of her injuries, didn't you?" she asked.

Kaidan's head whipped back to face the doctor, and she nodded gravely. He couldn't even imagine the pain, having nearly every bone in your body broken, then the soothing of the medi-gel just to have it removed.

"She was nearly unconscious and giving her a sedative would be risking in case of a concussion. We had to induce a coma," she shook her head wearily, "we will slowly reduce the barbiturates after about two weeks. That should give her body enough time to heal the worst of it, as well as get the nourishment she's been lacking for the past nine days," she crossed her arms in front of her and sighed, "she's going to be okay, but she's been through so much trauma, physically, emotionally, psychologically..." She trailed off. When she looked back at them she took a deep breath. This was hard for her too, he realized. Shepard had been a friend to her, just as she'd been to the rest of them.

She explained that they had needed to create skin grafts from the few healthy areas of her skin to cover the wounds where they had removed the melted pieces of her armor. The whole process had taken nearly 16 hours, and Kaidan could see his own exhaustion mirrored in the doctor's eyes.

Dr. Karin Chakwas nodded to the group, "It's going to be weeks after she wakes up - maybe months, maybe longer - before she's going to be able to run again, or fight, or use her biotics for more than lifting something of a few pounds," she still had her arms crossed in front of her and looked troubled, "but that's not what worries me. I'm worried that she's never going to feel like herself again. She may never be able to do the things she could before, and while the war is over, it came with a lot of casualties, and if she's stuck out of the action, she's going to have a lot of time to consider them."

Kaidan walked over to the older woman and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Doc, we know it'll be hard," he looked back to the others who nodded in encouragement, "but we're all here for her, we'll help her, we are her family." He smiled at her softly, he did know it would be hard, Shepard was harder on herself than anyone else - and she would hate being stuck in a bed, stubborn as she was - but she had so much support, and they wouldn't let her down.

Dr. Chakwas returned his comforting gesture with a hand on his own shoulder, and she nodded with a smile. "Kaidan, you can go in there, but she's not going to be conscious, and I have to recommend that you go home and get some sleep, that's what Shepard would want right now too."

He knew she was right, of course. Shepard wouldn't want her crew to see her like this, wouldn't even want him to see her like this, but she had another thing coming if she thought he was going to stay away.

He took a step to move past the doctor and enter the room behind her when she tightened her grip on his shoulder.

"Trust me, Kaidan. We all need some rest," she said softly, so only he could hear.

"Aye aye, ma'am," he said with a salute and a smile before entering the room.


	10. Mars

_Three months ago - 2186 - Alliance Headquarters - Vancouver - Earth_

 

After his meeting with the defense committee, Kaidan didn’t know what the hell to think. If the council had just listened to Shepard’s warnings years ago - but there was no use thinking about that now. Shepard was stuck in the detention center after her involvement with Cerberus and the destruction of the Alpha relay. He’d heard whispers that they were calling on her to advise on the situation. He had to stifle a wry laugh at that; it was too late for them to trust her now - now that the Reapers were already attacking.

He greeted Admiral Anderson as he approached the committee’s quarters where Kaidan had just been. He had been so lost in thought that he almost didn’t catch the nod that Anderson had thrown to his right, indicating a woman shaking hands with Lieutenant Vega. It was Shepard.

He hadn’t seen her since Horizon, and she looked great. Her hair had gotten longer and she had it pulled up into a ponytail but a few strands had escaped and brushed against her forehead and down across her cheeks. When he called her name, she turned to face him fully, the warmth was there in her eyes, something he had only hoped he’d see again.

“Major, how’d it go in there?” Anderson asked, forcing him to turn back to the Admiral, though what he really wanted was to pull Shepard aside and just... talk.. about everything, try and put the bad stuff behind them.

He sighed before answering the question, “Okay, I think. Hard to know - just waiting for orders now.”  Shepard had caught up and was standing shoulder to shoulder with Anderson, she looked at him with surprise.

“Major?”

“You hadn’t heard?” Anderson retorted.

“No, I hadn’t.”

Kaidan felt like he owed her some sort of apology. Not that there had been any chance to talk with her these past months. He had written her a dozen messages and deleted every single one of them before sending. He figured she’d have responded to his message after Horizon if she wanted to talk.

“Sorry, Shepard. It’s been... well.”

This was all he could come up with. So very eloquent, Alenko, he scolded himself.

But she wasn’t upset, or cold about it. She smiled at him, warm and easy, bringing him back to that day in the medbay after Eden Prime.

“That’s okay. Just... glad I bumped into you, Kaidan.”

And he relished in the sound of his name on her lips.

 

“Yeah - me too.”

 

* * *

 

When the Reapers landed minutes later, Kaidan and Vega were still standing in the hallway chatting about Shepard. Panic broke out all around them and they both ran at top speed while Kaidan tried to contact her. Nothing. Shit. He looked back toward the rear of the building and saw debris and wreckage replacing what used to be the defense committee’s quarters. Where the hell were they?

Kaidan set his comm to the proper channel and was about to reach out to the Admiral when he heard static coming through - Anderson trying to reach him.

“This is Admiral Anderson - reporting in - Major Alenko, is that you? What’s your status?”

Shepard was with Anderson; they were both okay. He blew out a sigh of relief. He sent him their location, and Anderson told him he was having trouble raising the Normandy, and told Kaidan to take care of it.

“Normandy, come in - this is Major Kaidan Alenko - we need evac - sending coordinates now!” he yelled over the din as they ran outside. Destruction was everywhere around them as they escaped Alliance headquarters and watched shuttles and ships get blasted out of the sky by giant red lasers.

“Alenko! We’re on our way, is the commander with you?” Joker’s voice came through his omnitool.

“Negative, they’re on their way.”

“Aye, aye - ETA 2 minutes!”

 

* * *

 

They had only been on board for a few minutes when Anderson’s voice came through again.

“Normandy, this is Anderson - do you read?”

“Admiral - what’s your location?” Kaidan asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He was watching people die every second and he needed to get them out of there as soon as possible. The signal cut out then, and Kaidan swore before Joker’s voice came over the comm system.

“Major, picking up a distress beacon. I’m thinking it’s from the Admiral.”

He breathed a sigh of relief, “Alright, Joker - lets go get them.”

 

* * *

 

When they got close to the location of the distress beacon, Kaidan looked out and located Shepard and Anderson fighting off Reaper forces. He watched her warp one to shreds without breaking a sweat, blue energy rolling over her skin in waves, and then take the next out with the Locust. He was mesmerized by the way she moved so easily even after so much time off duty. She ducked behind cover to reload, and he watched the biotic energy cover every inch of her once again. When she stood to launch another attack, it was one fluid motion. The blue sheen against her skin flowed over her and out through her right hand creating a ball of destruction that - on impact with her attacker - ripped it to shreds. Before the flare had even faded, she was back behind cover again.

“Damn,” he heard a quiet voice to his left. Vega was staring too, apparently.

Kaidan cleared his throat, nodded to the lieutenant, then opened the comm channel and declared triumphantly,

“The cavalry has arrived!”

He saw her fire off one more warp before turning to look up at the Normandy. He saw Vega smirking at him out of the corner of his eye.

“What? We’re coming to the rescue,” he said shrugging.

Vega snorted, “Mhm.”

He watched Shepard hop easily over obstacles and run up to meet them as the shuttle bay doors opened. She lept onto the ramp and Kaidan reached out to help her - in vain, because she cleared the jump without any trouble.

“Welcome aboard the Normandy, Commander,” he said, like an idiot. Welcoming her onto her own ship? A ship that he himself hadn’t been on before now. Sure, it was still the Normandy, but it was a complete rebuild from the SSV. The SR-2 had been built by Cerberus, and retrofitted by the Alliance after Shepard had returned. In fact - they hadn’t quite finished working on it - but it was hard to plan for an invasion. She thanked him, barely glancing his way, and he wondered if he’d imagined the warmth he’d seen earlier.

But then - after Anderson reinstated her - after he told her to seek out the Council’s help - after she told him with conviction that she’d be back for him - she walked up to Kaidan, and he thought he saw something in her eyes, something that gave him hope. She turned to look back to Anderson, shoulder to shoulder with Kaidan and he could feel the hum of her biotics in the closeness of their bodies. He had missed that feeling. He wanted to reach out and take her in his arms and kiss her, but as the thought crossed his mind, he watched her squeeze her eyes shut and saw the source of her pained expression.

Two shuttles evacuating civilians were destroyed by a Reaper attack. They had more important things to worry about right now.

He watched her as she dealt with Vega’s blatant insubordination. Yelling at her for things she couldn’t control. She didn’t lose her cool - just put him in his place. He watched her talking with Joker over the comm, relief flushing over her face as she spoke to her friend. He watched her talking with Hackett over vidcom, appreciated her sharp salute when he directed them to investigate Mars.

 

* * *

 

Up close, she was even more impressive than he remembered. Something happened in the time they’d been apart, and she’d become bolder. She wasn’t hiding behind cover at every chance; she was running up and blasting enemies with her biotics almost as often as she was launching a warp from afar.

But something wasn’t right. Cerberus forces were present on Mars, not a full battalion just a few vehicles. He felt his anger flaring up and demanded answers from Shepard, ignoring he hurt in her voice when she claimed not to know anything.

He advanced on her when they got to the elevator.

“Shepard I need a straight answer.”

She turned from him, hand on her helmet before she spoke.

“Kaidan...” it was the tone she used that caught him off guard. The one she’d use when they were alone, not when they were working.

“Don’t Kaidan me,” he interrupted her before she could go on - not wanting her to be informal with him now when he needed to answers - “this is business.” He was pointing a finger in her face when she whirled around to face him, but he kept going, “Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?”

“What makes you think I know what they’re up to?” she asked, all warmth gone from her voice.

He started pacing, he didn’t want to look at her when he accused her, “you worked for them for god’s sakes - how am I not supposed to think that?”

“We joined forces to take down the Collectors - that’s it,” she said patiently. He didn’t want to hear her excuses.

“There’s more to it,” he said - still not looking at her, “They rebuilt you from the ground up; they gave you a ship, resources -”

“Let me be clear – ” it was her turn to interrupt, “I’ve had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base,” she stated, leaning against the railing next to him, “and I have no idea why they’re here now or what they want.”

Vega stepped forward to interject.

“Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they’ve communicated since.”

He wasn’t ashamed for asking - he needed to know - but he apologized anyway.

Kaidan wasn’t prepared for her next words or the weary tone in which she delivered them.

“You of all people should know what I’m about, Kaidan. Please trust me.”

And he told her he did. Then he heard her telling Liara pointedly that she kept fighting because she knew how much was on the line - while looking at him. And then he heard her talking with Liara about how he’d become quite a capable soldier. He felt that hope again - like they’d be able to work it out once things settled down.

He screwed it up a few minutes later when they found a Cerberus trooper who had clearly been altered with Reaper tech. Before he could stop himself, he asked her if Cerberus had done the same to her. Always shoving his foot in his mouth. She was angry now, not like before, not frustrated with his lack of trust in her but angry that he would suggest such a thing. And he floundered, he told her he didn’t know who she was anymore - avoiding her eyes again. He didn’t know how he could have such a need to say the words and yet feel so guilty while he was doing so.

But he had to look at her when she said his name again, defeated, no longer angry, just - hurt. And he asked her the most important question - the one that had been eating at him since Horizon.

“I just wanna know - is the person I followed to hell and back - the person that I loved - are you still in there... somewhere?”

The warmth was back in her eyes, and she put a hand on his shoulder in an effort to comfort him he supposed.

“They didn’t change me, Kaidan. Or how I feel about you.” ‘Feel’, she said feel - not felt. She stepped back assessing him, “But words won’t convince you, will they?”

“Probably not.”

She sighed, “I didn’t think so,” Then she punched him playfully on the shoulder, “you were always stubborn.” That forced a laugh out of him, and again he thought - maybe there was hope for them.

 

* * *

 

He thought he could trust her again - even more so when the Illusive Man showed up to the - via holo - and she seemed as angry as ever. This wasn’t the relationship of people working together; she was legitimately disgusted with the man. She even tried to convince him that they should be fighting on the same side - but he wouldn’t hear reason. Kaidan heard the conversation through the comm in his helmet and had resolved to apologize thoroughly when they got back to the Normandy. But then he came across Dr. Eva.

  
His life flashed before him as the synthetic got permission to kill him from her creator. He thought about all the things he needed to apologize to Shepard for. He thought about all the time they’d lost, all the time he wanted to make for them in the future. He heard her demand that the machine let him go, and he thought he heard the panic in her voice. Then it all went black.


	11. Gifts

_"I think about losing you and I can't stand it."_

_The words haunted her in her death slumber. He had said them before Ilos, their first night together, when they stopped caring about the regs, and she made light of everything to avoid wearing her heart on her sleeve._

_But then he **had** lost her, to the Collectors, Cerberus, and now to the Reapers._

_"I can't lose you again."_

_Those were the ones that had decided her fate, though. Five words that made her choose to destroy the Reapers instead of creating a synthesis between organic and synthetic life. Because she had hoped, just a little, that she could give him the life he wanted. That maybe she'd make it out of this mess and he could have his wish._

_"I'm gonna fight like hell to hold you again."_

_So she had sacrificed all the Geth, sacrificed - oh fuck - EDI, she gave up lasting peace for the selfish wish of having a life with Kaidan._

_A wish that had been in vain. The Catalyst had been right, choosing to destroy the Reapers had killed her too. And now she would spend eternity in her guilt._

* * *

_September 23rd - 2186_

When Kaidan walked into the room, it felt as though someone had reached into his chest and squeezed his heart. Chakwas and her team had cleaned all of Shepard's wounds, but it had only made it more obvious how much she had been hurt. There were countless ground missions that he could remember where she'd come out of it covered in blood, but after some medi-gel and a shower, she had almost always seemed good as new.

Here was his Shepard, the woman he loved more than anything, and she was alive. She was going to be okay. It was going to take a lot of work, but in the end, she'd make it out of this good as new, just as she always had.

He wasn't doing a very good job at convincing himself.

Laying there in the clinic bed, she just looked so fragile. Fragile and part machine. There were tubes helping her breathe, tubes feeding her, tubes administering medication. He worried that it would be ages before he could hold her in his arms again, and he felt completely helpless.

He walked over to the bed and placed his hand gently against her cheek, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Her breathing was more even now, not the raspy weak breaths she had been struggling with when they brought her in. She looked like she was just sleeping, as if she'd open her eyes if he called out to her, but he knew she wouldn't.

There was a gash along her jaw line that had been sealed with medi-gel but would definitely leave a lasting scar. Kaidan wanted so badly to kiss every cut and bruise and hold her and tell her she would be okay. He knew she wouldn't be able to hear him, and even if she would she'd just get upset that he was trying to coddle her. Instead, he placed his hand against her cheek, placed a kiss against her forehead, and whispered a promise in her ear. Then he decided to take the doctor's advice and get some rest, silently vowing to check on her every day until she opened her eyes again.

* * *

_"Just don't make the mistake I did. There's always another mission. None of them are an excuse to make yourself an island."_

_Thane was speaking to her. Warning her against being alone in her duty. She hadn't heeded his warning. She had put the mission above all else. Shepard, the savior, the hero they all expected her to be - she had saved every individual she could, she had created peace between species, but she had closed herself off from the people who cared about her._

_"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness."_

_She had given her heart to Thane Krios, but not fully, she could never give him all of herself because she had already given that to Kaidan. In her final moments in London,she had known she was going to die, known she would make sure she completed the mission first, but that she would die. It was okay because Kaidan would live. He would live and find another person to love, and that person would be able to give him a stable family - something Shepard could never have. She had told him she loved him - always - that was supposed to be enough._

_"You are a great protector, siha. But some things are beyond even you."_

* * *

_September 27th - 2186_

Jeff Moreau was angry. There wasn't anything he could do about it now, and he doubted he'd ever actually do anything about it, but he needed to know why EDI was gone. Logically, he assumed all synthetics were destroyed with the Reapers. That explained the destruction of the Geth which happened simultaneously. He knew that was the simple answer. What he wanted to know was if there could have been any other way? Shepard was part synthetic, why was she still alive?

He mentally kicked himself as soon as the thought crossed his mind. If it wasn't for Shepard, he would have never given EDI a chance. Hell, he wouldn't even have a ship anymore if it wasn't for the Commander. Deep down, he knew that if there had been another way, she would have found it. She had always risked everything for the sake of others, why would this be any different?

He was significantly less angry by the time he arrived at the clinic, and Dr. Chakwas just raised an eyebrow at him before returning to the frantic wife of a soldier that was under the doctor's care. He walked into the room where he knew he'd find Shepard and had to double check that he had walked into the right room when he saw her. After a moment, he realized in alarm that he was indeed staring at his commander. All the anger evaporated, and he had to hold onto the arm of a nearby chair to keep his balance.

Shepard looked terrible. She was connected to tubes and wires and machines, and nearly every inch of her body was covered in bandages or surgical tape. There was a particularly gruesome gash along her jawline that he knew would never heal quite right. Her and Garrus would have to compare scars once she was awake, he thought with a wry smile.

Joker just stood there staring for a long moment, not quite sure what to do. His commanding officer - a woman he had worked with for nearly four years and who he had respected from day one - was lying on a hospital bed looking like death. He realized for the first time that she was not invincible. This wasn't like the Collector attack when they'd never found a body, and she showed up two years later, better than new with Cerberus upgrades. She was laying here broken, and he wasn't sure if she'd come out of this one on top.

Dr. Chakwas opened the door to check on her patient and must have seen the look on his face because she simply placed a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. He looked down at the model of the SSV Normandy that he held in his hand. He had taken it from her cabin to bring here, hoping the reminder would help her feel more at home. Now - looking at her condition - he wondered if she'd ever open her eyes to see it.

Chakwas was smiling at him.

"It's a lovely thought, Jeff," she told him, going back to checking the wires and numbers on her omnitool that were no doubt cluing her in to Shepard's vitals, "We'll be waking her up in about 10 days, I'll make sure she knows it's from you."

He nodded and set the model on the table next to her bed. He found himself lingering there for a bit too long when he heard her speak again.

"She's going to be okay; don't worry."

He was worried, but if Dr. Chakwas said she'd be okay, he'd have to put his trust in her for now. He turned and left, feeling defeated.

* * *

_"Shepard. Excellent timing. Good to have you here."_

_Mordin. Was he welcoming her into this dark, damp afterlife? Her friend - a scientist who was a little crazy and completely eccentric, but a great friend. She admired him so much, he had been a huge part in the creation of the genophage and he had been proud of his work. But when the situation changed, he didn't think twice about making it right. He had given his life so that the Krogan had a chance._

_"No apologies. Did what was right. Hope you do the same if necessary."_

_And isn't that what she had done? Hadn't she sacrificed herself so that humanity - no, all species - had a chance at survival? Somewhere deep down she knew that she had succeeded in that at least. The Reapers were destroyed - the Catalyst had told her she was the only one who could have made that decision._

_"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."_

_Yeah, she could relate to that._

* * *

_September 30th - 2186_

Miranda felt odd walking into the clinic. It had been one week since Shepard had been found, and she had stayed away thinking that she'd be no use to her unconscious friend. But then late the night before, she remembered she had come into possession of Shepard's original dog tags after the Alliance had retrofitted the Normandy SR-2 but had to escape Earth before loading everything back on board. She wanted to bring them to the clinic so that she'd have them when she woke up.

She still felt like an outsider among Shepard's Alliance friends, and so, she had picked a time late at night when she thought she wouldn't have to worry about other visitors. She had been wrong. Kaidan Alenko was sitting in a chair next to Shepard's bed; he looked like he had been sleeping but he startled awake when he heard the door slide open. Miranda tried to give him an apologetic shrug, but to her surprise, he stood and offered her his chair.

There was camaraderie present with all of these people, a bond that Miranda didn't quite understand at first, but it had become clear to her one night while she was thinking about conversations between her and Shepard on the Normandy. She had said it herself 'I don't have what you do, that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself.' It was true. The woman had a fire that all around her could not only see, but could be pulled into with ease. She had this way of making you believe in what she believed, of making you want to fight her fight with her.

"Coffee?" Kaidan asked her sleepily as he walked toward the door, she nodded without looking back to him and placed the dog tags on the table. There wasn't a lot of room, she noticed. There was a model of the SSV Normandy, a Chess set that she recognized as belonging to Oleg Petrovsky.. or well, it used to belong to him. There was a glass box containing Shepard's damn hamster, a holo of a baby Krogan, and a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. She smiled; Shepard sure was one of a kind, with a one of a kind family that always had her back.

Miranda tentatively placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"Hey, Shepard," her voice was unsteady, and she hadn't been expecting that, "remember how you told me that it wasn't goodbye?" she laughed nervously, "you told me we'd both make it out alive and I believed you," she looked at her friend, silently wishing she could hear her, "you said we'd done enough running, and it was time to stop." Miranda smiled, remembering the conversation over holo when Shepard arrived in London, "Well here we both are, alive, so hurry up and get better so we can enjoy it, huh?"

She hadn't heard Kaidan reenter the room and was startled when he set the coffee down on the table next to her. She looked at him, suddenly embarrassed about the tears in her eyes, but he was smiling at her warmly.

"She's going to be okay, Miranda," he said, taking a sip from his mug and nodded, a much more confident man than he had been just a week earlier.

"I know, I just -" She trailed off, and they were both silent for a while.

"Yeah, I miss her too," he said quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Illustration by the lovely Sharilin (sharilin.tumblr.com)!


	12. Right

_One Month Ago - 2186 - The Citadel - Docking Bay D24_

 

Kaidan was pacing. He was confused, and he felt like he had almost died at the hand of the woman he loved. He wasn't sure what to think. Part of him wanted to scream at her - another part of him wanted to kiss her and apologize for every single time he'd doubted her. That was the part that was winning. He leaned against the window and looked out at the Normandy SR-2.

 

And then the doors slid open.

 

"Kaidan - Hey - I wondered where you went, what's up?"

 

He stared at her; she was wearing her N7 hoodie and her fatigues and looked as casual as ever - as if a Cerberus battalion didn't just try to take over the citadel at the command of an assassin - as if the human councilor didn't just die at the hands of Kaidan himself. Just another day for Commander Shepard.

 

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened," he said finally.

 

"You sound angry," she said - repeating the words she'd said to him on Horizon. No - this wasn't the same thing.

 

He pushed off of the wall to stand straight in front of her. "Not angry - just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love. How it all went down it's got me... I don't know."

 

She nodded, "Okay - talk to me, let's have it." Another repetition - this time remnant of the time he felt jealous of Liara. So long ago.

 

He took a step closer and told her exactly how he felt - that if he wouldn't have backed down she'd have taken the shot. She countered saying she trusted him, and that's what mattered, but he wasn't convinced.

 

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard," he stepped back, "later, when you have to live with yourself." He turned back toward the window. "Knowing that you acted with integrity - then it matters."

 

When he looked back at her the understanding was there in her expression. She knew he was talking about Udina now. She assured him that he'd done the right thing, and he thought he believed it. But it wouldn't have been the first time he'd second guess her.

 

He felt like a desperate child when he told her he wanted to join the Normandy's crew again. He was higher ranking than her now - not that it mattered - and here he was all but begging to be a part of her team again - a part of her life again. When she responded, there was a sadness in her voice that contradicted the warmth in her eyes, she welcomed him easily, but he felt then that she was going into this thinking it would be her final mission.

"Shepard, I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."

 

She smiled and responded politely, but he got the feeling that deep down she knew she didn't need him to have her back. Commander Shepard always got it done - no matter who was against her.

 

* * *

 

He heard her outside on the Crew Deck, talking with Garrus. And he smiled to himself when she admitted to the Turian that she wouldn't have been able to pull the trigger. He had known deep down - but there was that tiny question that was bothering him.

 

When he heard the door to the observation deck slide open, he knew she was coming to check on him. He was conflicted. He wanted to help fight with the people out there, but he wanted to be on the Normandy. That pull was undeniable and he knew that it was a pull to Shepard, not the team - though he cared about them too - it wasn't the same thing. She comforted him about his dad, and she looked out into the stars with him. When she approached him to tell him it was good to have him back, he almost thought she was going to kiss him, and was more than a little disappointed when she shook his hand and then left the room.

 

They had talked about some stuff when he was in the hospital, they'd cleared the air about Horizon - about the drell assassin she'd been with during her time with Cerberus - and he had told her in no uncertain terms that he still cared about her. But they hadn't really talked about their future, the next step. For his part, she was it for him - but he wasn't sure she felt the same.

 

* * *

 

When they finally got around to having dinner together at Apollo's, Kaidan had hoped to talk about their relationship seriously - and make at least tentative plans for the future. He told her he was having trouble sleeping, and she caught the edge that he had been trying to hide. It was going to come out eventually, so he figured he might as well get it over with.

 

"The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night," he admitted, avoiding her gaze - he always had trouble with these confessions when her eyes were piercing into his. So he focused intensely on a spot on the table as he spoke, "I wonder about us."

 

He looked up at her when she encouraged him to continue. "I understand why you cheated." She flinched ever so slightly. Maybe cheated wasn't the right word, but it was too late now. "But I still love you, Shepard. I wanna understand what this is between us, and make it real," he sighed, focusing back down on the table, "That's what I want."

 

A long moment passed and he looked back up at her, she seemed to be wrestling with a response, so he prompted her: "What do you want?"

 

She just stared at him for a moment, her expression unreadable and he felt like she was about to shake her head and walk away when she said finally - "I can't bury what I feel for you anymore. And I don't want to."

 

It was all the encouragement Kaidan needed, he clasped her hand in his, so happy to hear the words from her mouth - and he told her as much - bringing her hand up to his cheek before turning his face to kiss her palm.

 

A grin spread across her face when she tried to entice him back to the Normandy with her - telling him they needed to go ASAP. He shot her down saying he planned to take his time, and she gave him a disappointed look for a moment before he took her hand in his again. That's when she rewarded him with the smirk, and he knew he was finally home.

 

* * *

 

 

_Two weeks ago - 2186 - Horsehead Nebula - Normandy SR-2_

 

Kaidan couldn't sleep if he tried. They were on their way to launch an attack on the Cerberus base, and he felt like he hadn't seen Shepard in ages. She was constantly being pulled this way or that way by this politician or that general. Fixing everyone's problems while uniting a galaxy. She was doing a damn fine job at it too.

 

But if he knew her - she wasn't sleeping either. Shepard was probably pacing around her cabin with a datapad, crunching numbers that had already been crunched ten times front and back. He remembered the night before Ilos - she was sitting at her desk with at least six datapads scattered around her, looking exhausted, but they hadn’t slept..

 

He figured she could use some stress relief tonight too, and he grabbed the whiskey and two glasses and headed up to her cabin. He promised her a quick drink and assured her she'd done everything possible to ensure success. He told her she could lean on him - on her crew. He remembered a night years ago when she had asked him for a shoulder and he didn't know how to respond. This time - she wasn't willing to accept it. She had hardened in their time apart, and sometimes that was necessary for survival - he thought grimly wondering if he was the cause - but he wanted to help her now.

 

When she kissed him, he admitted his lie about the quick drink, and she smirked at him - eyes full of life and anticipation. She looked at him with emotion in her eyes, and he thought she'd tell him she loved him - she hadn't said it yet - but she simply told him that he made her strong. He faltered a bit, but told her he wanted to be that for her and when he told her he loved her, she responded with another kiss. He knew what it meant - she didn't have to say the words.

 

There was something urgent about their time together that night. It wasn't like the first time - before Ilos - when it was two people learning each other. It was needy and desperate - two people holding onto a night that could be their last time together. When he woke up later to see her sitting up beside him, head in her hands, he felt something tug at his heart when she asked if they were going to make it.

 

He didn't answer the question she asked because he didn't know if they'd make it. What he did tell her was that they were ready - because they were - as ready as they could be. She was second guessing herself again - and it was just like Ilos, except with more at stake.

 

Shepard recovered so quickly he almost thought he'd imagined the insecurity when she placed her hand against his cheek and said, "You're right - I gave us hope and a fighting chance. Hell - the Reapers better watch themselves."

 

She ran her fingers along his jaw, pulling him to her lips for a kiss. But she looked at him for a moment too long, and he saw the fear in her eyes and the distracted look that came over her when she pulled away. He wanted to reach for her again and convince her that it would be okay, but he didn't know if it would.

 

What Kaidan did know, was that he had just gotten her back. He had just said his apologies, told her he wanted to be with her, and held her again. He wanted to hold her a million more times and kiss her more than that. He wanted to have a life with her - maybe a family. He wanted her to meet his parents and he wanted to meet hers. What Kaidan knew was that the Reapers were not going to take his hope away from him, his Luna, his Shepard. Not now, not after he had finally gotten it right.

 


	13. Alive

When she came to, Shepard felt the full reality of her injuries. She only sort of remembered drifting in and out of consciousness while Chakwas dissolved the medi-gel that had apparently been holding her together. Now she felt as if she had been pummeled by a hundred charging Krogan and had somehow lived to tell the tale.

 

She hadn't yet opened her eyes. She wasn't quite sure what had been real and what had been dreams. She remembered Anderson, dying beside her, using his last words to tell her how proud he was. The thought brought tears to her eyes, and they stung like acid. She remembered speaking with the Catalyst, being told that if she destroyed the Reapers she would die too, but she was alive - wasn't she? Maybe the Crucible had backfired, and she still needed to get the hell out of here and join the fight.

 

But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew she'd never be able to take them on if they hadn't been destroyed. Her body felt broken into a million pieces, and before she had even gotten to the Citadel, every species had suffered heavy losses. She had done the impossible, allied the Geth and the Quarians, the Krogan and the Turians, but her greatest weakness was that she cared too much about each one of them. She felt the tears rolling down the side of her face as she remembered all of the losses. Legion - the Geth consensus who had provided so much aid against the Reapers and she suspected had a little human emotion in him, Anderson - her boss, and a father figure to her through her time with the Alliance, Mordin - the eccentric Salarian scientist who had helped create the genophage and then gave his life to right his wrongs, all of Thessia.

 

Thane. She had loved him. Not the way she had loved Kaidan, and she had been honest with Thane about that from the beginning. Her love for the Drell had been unexpected and so very needed in her time with Cerberus. A time when she had been forced to look within herself many times, second guess herself, but she had known she was doing the right thing. Thane had been there for her as she had been there for him, she had never meant to fall for a dying man, and she mourned him fiercely when he had passed.

 

And even before the galaxy had realized they were at war with the Reapers, they had lost Ashley - who had sacrificed herself so that the rest of them could escape Virmire - the choice had been between Ash and Kaidan. She'd chosen to save Kaidan - Ash knew it was the right choice, he was a higher ranking officer, more experience, but sometimes Shepard found herself doubting her motives - did she selfishly save the man she had grown to care for? Then there was Pressly - lost during the Collector attack when Luna had herself died, and now, if the Crucible had fired then they'd lost all Geth.. and EDI.

 

Shepard's throat burned as a sob threatened to rip painfully through her. Her eyes flew open when she felt the slightest pressure against her temple. 

* * *

He had spent the night there again, sitting in the chair next to her bed, watching her breathe. Chakwas had done a good job, there would definitely be permanent damage, but she was as beautiful to him as ever. He had always loved her scars, testaments to every battle she'd won, every hurdle she'd overcome, and now she had won the whole damn war. He couldn't believe how lucky he was to have her back, in front of him again.

 

Kaidan hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep until he woke, alarmed to hear her breathing heavily. At first, he thought something was wrong and was about to call a medic into the room when he saw that she was crying. Her face wasn't contorted like it would be if she had been in pain, but it was, instead, a look of sorrow and he knew, somehow, that she was thinking about all that had been lost. He could see her body tense up and before he realized it, he was leaning forward in his chair to press a kiss against her temple, where a stream of tears had fallen just moments before. Her eyes flew open in alarm, and he couldn't stop himself from beaming at her. Her alarm changing quickly to realization and then to relief, as a new set of tears welled in her eyes as she tried to speak. 

* * *

"Kaidan," she choked out his name and felt like someone had blown fire down her throat. She tried to reach up to place her palm against his cheek,but she couldn't move her arm. The pain was overwhelming, muted - they had clearly given her some anesthetic - but it still felt as if something was spearing her insides with hot metal. She could not believe how relieved she was to see him. That was curious - she had been ready to die, hadn't she? When they were running toward the beam and she watched as both Kaidan - the love of her life - and Garrus - her best friend - got injured, she had sent them away on the Normandy knowing she would likely never see them again. She was willing to give herself up so that the rest of them would survive. But now that he was here with her, she selfishly thanked every god or goddess she could remember for letting her see him again.

 

It was then that she saw the worry in his eyes, and she could only imagine how she looked. She smirked at him.

 

"How bad is it?" she breathed, and barely recognized her own voice - a breathy sound that seemed to come from somewhere other than her mouth. 

* * *

Nothing in the world meant a thing when he saw the side of her mouth lift in that smirk he loved so much. He made a mental note to send Chakwas a whole case of Serrice Ice Brandy as a thank you.

 

"No, no, don't try to speak, you're dehydrated and have a lot of recovery to do, don't strain yourself." She raised an eyebrow at him and he almost laughed at the sheer joy of seeing it. Everything was going to be okay if his Shepard had come out of this with her attitude intact. He took some time to go through every injury with her and all of the work that had been done so far. He knew she'd never want him to sugarcoat it, she would want to know everything she was facing. That was just her way, she couldn't analyze it unless she had all the facts and what better way to get through something like this than with an analytical approach.

 

He told her she'd be basically confined to the bed for at least another week or two - that revelation was met with a frown, followed by a cringe. Then he went over the physical therapy regimen that Dr. Chakwas had suggested and the biotic regimen that Kaidan thought they should work on after that. He gave her the report in the most matter-of-fact way he could, knowing she'd appreciate no nonsense. He told her Chakwas' estimate of about a month before she'd be able to report back to the Alliance for active duty, but then only as support, it would be several months of therapy before she'd be fit for ground work again.

 

He looked at her face, she looked conflicted, but she was nodding at him with complete understanding. He took her hand and she flinched, causing him to pull back with an apology. 

* * *

Shepard had listened to his report with complete clarity. Kaidan knew she wouldn't want him to sugarcoat the situation, but she couldn't say she was happy to hear she'd be off her feet for weeks and then out of duty for months yet after. She didn't want her friends and family to see her bedridden, it wasn't about pride - well maybe it was a little about pride - but whatever it was, she didn't want to be in a bed for weeks. She would ask Dr. Chakwas to keep her visitors to a minimum until she was on her feet.

 

He must have seen the concern on her face because he reached down to squeeze her hand. She hadn't been prepared for the pain that such a simple gesture caused. It felt like lightning shooting from her fingers through her arm to her shoulder, and she flinched involuntarily, causing him to pull away, apologizing swiftly.

 

"Kaidan," she shook her head, swallowing the pain in her throat, "don't apologize, I'm just.." She frowned when he finished her sentence with "fragile." It wasn't a word she wanted to associate with herself but for now it was the truth. She smiled at him, not a smirk, but the kind of smile that only he got to see and it seemed to put him at ease. 

* * *

He sighed happily when she smiled at him. The war was over, the Reapers were destroyed, and though she might be recovering for a long time, he knew - they had all the time in the world now. They had never had that before. There was always some certain doom looming around the corner. Geth, Saren, Sovereign, Collectors, Cerberus, Reapers. But now, there was just rebuilding and cleanup, and them. He smiled at her and lay his hand over hers softly, so as not to hurt her again.

 

"I'm gonna let you get some sleep." He leaned in and placed a very soft kiss against her lips, and then another on her forehead, brushing the hair from her face before he turned to walk away. He didn't want to leave her, but Chakwas would have his head if he didn't let her relax and get some sleep that wasn't brought on by the medication. He turned to smile at her one more time as he approached the door. 

* * *

She didn't want him to leave, but at the same time she was exhausted. Every inch of her body ached, and she just wanted to rest. All of her questions could be answered when she was feeling a little better. She felt her biotics threaten to hum to life as he pressed a kiss to her lips, and then her forehead, trailing a finger from her forehead to her ear, tucking a strand of hair behind it. She returned his smile and tried to ignore the pain that was radiating all over her, realizing that now their life together could finally begin.

 

He turned to smile at her again when he got to the door, and she felt a moment of panic and needed to tell him something right away.

 

"Kaidan -" she whispered but he raised a hand to cut her off.

  
"I love you too, Luna," he smiled, and she relaxed, because everything was going to be alright.


	14. Alone

The next time she woke up, Shepard was alone. That was okay, she thought, the less time looking like an invalid among others the better. It's not that she didn't appreciate the attention, and she knew her friends cared about her well being; it was just awkward to be on her back in a clinic bed while talking with them.

****

Karin had told her she would have to stay in the clinic for at least a week, and up to two, until her bones set and her injuries healed enough with the injections that she could walk on her own. Even then, she had been told she might need to walk with a cane. A cane. Shepard was not happy about the cane idea. She had broken almost all of her bones, sure, but that didn't mean she was a crippled old lady.

****

As she thought about it, with disdain, she decided she would need to do something to help move things along. Her limbs were tied down to the bed - so that she wouldn't toss and turn in her sleep and break everything all over again she assumed - but she could still try and strengthen her muscles.

****

She started small. Wiggling one finger, bending it then straightening it out. It hurt, but she'd had worse. Shepard repeated the exercise with each finger on each hand, then again, and again, until they were too sore to continue. Then she started on her toes, one toe, bending then straightening. Then she repeated with the rest of her toes, over and over, until they were also sore. Next she moved her hand at the wrist, bending it up and down then rotating it at the joint - over and over - until she couldn't anymore. Then the other wrist, then her feet.

****

After what seemed like a long time, she was exhausted. Sweat was pouring down her face, and her body ached as if she had just spent hours sparring with James. She felt helpless. She was broken, couldn't even manage the simplest of activities without feeling like she needed a nap. Sure, anyone who'd been through what she had would go through the same recovery. She couldn't though, not now. If she was stuck in this bed with her thoughts, she'd go crazy.

****

Shepard closed her eyes and tried to will away the thoughts of the dead. The echoes of the voices of her friends. She didn't know how to pay them proper tribute. The Reapers were destroyed, but at what cost? How would she go back to her life, back to the Alliance, knowing what they'd all lost? Knowing how many times she had put the people she loved in danger.

****

She thought about Kaidan. He had been in the front seat for every dangerous mission she could remember. He was a soldier, she rationalized. But it wasn't just that, she had really gotten in deep there. Back on Eden Prime, she had pushed him out of the way of the Prothean beacon, and when the visions came and she blacked out for 15 hours, he had been by her side when she had awoken. Full of apologies and so concerned about her safety. She had told him he had done fine, and he had given her a smile that reached into her core and planted a seed. It was against all the regs, and she knew it was wrong, she tried to stifle the feelings she had for him and she just failed every single time.

****

It wasn't like she hadn't tried to fight it. She had been attracted to him instantly, but she didn't admit it to herself until much later. It wasn't just his appearance, though that clearly didn't hurt, but his confidence was what got to her. He was her lieutenant, but he never thought twice before giving her his thoughts or advice on a mission, even if it wasn't his place. He was never afraid to ask her business, even if it wasn't his, but then again she was never afraid to answer his questions. Shortly after Eden Prime, she had found herself stopping by his terminal on purpose, nearly every time she went to or from her cabin. To get his opinion on a mission, or the crew, or just for a chance to make him blush. There had been something so very innocent about him back then, when he was just a lieutenant on the SSV Normandy, a biotic soldier who had been through BAaT and had been changed by the cruelty of aliens, but who had never become judgmental as a result. That seed grew so quickly into something more. Something she'd never allowed herself to feel before.

****

And his innocence had changed somewhere along the line, she remembered him telling her 'it'd figure itself out one of these days... or nights' without a hint of insecurity, and if she hadn't been crazy about him before, that was the moment it changed. He didn't act on it, never testing her, risking insubordination until before Ilos. That was when the atmosphere of the ship had changed. No one was really sure they'd be coming back from it, hell no one even knew what they were facing. He had come into her cabin to tell her it was an honor serving under her, and she had turned it into a joke. Always covering her emotions with humor, it was her way. But he hadn't faltered, he had taken her offer to stay the night and they had said and done to each other all of the things that the regs wouldn't allow them, and she wasn't ashamed.

****

She didn't tell him then, didn't say the three words that terrified her. She was afraid it was too soon, unprofessional - as if taking her clothes off wasn't - and she had kept quiet. To his credit, he didn't push it, didn't ask for more, and didn’t expect anything. They could have been two soldiers blowing off steam that night and that could have been the end of it.

****

It wasn't the end of it though, not even close. Even though they hadn't said the words, something had changed between them. He'd been her strength, the one she'd lean on when she had to make the hard decisions. Not just then, but even before they'd shared a night together. He had seen her. To him, she wasn't the sole survivor of Akuze, the woman who had made it, through all the odds against her. He saw her as human, a soldier, just like the rest of them. She was a biotic, like him, she had manifested young, but had never gone to BAaT. They had a lot in common and just ranks between them.

****

When the Collector ship attacked, he was by her side in an instant, helping to put out fires. Kaidan Alenko was insubordinate to the last minute, insisting he wasn't leaving without her. When push came to shove, she had pulled rank - ordered him off the ship - knowing that at his core he was loyal to the Alliance, and he had followed orders. If he hadn't - no, she wouldn't think of that now, he had followed orders.

****

Then she had lost two years of her life. Technically, she had died. Clinically brain dead, the logs had said. Impossible, the scientist's voice had echoed. But it wasn't impossible. Miranda Lawson and the Illusive Man had brought her back to life, and the first word on her lips was his name. Kaidan. But he hadn't been there. She had woken up on a Cerberus ship, fighting for her life and when she finally saw him again he embraced her and then spit accusations in her face.

****

She couldn't blame him, not really, not now after they'd seen what Cerberus had been capable of. But then - she was so angry after Horizon, so furious that Kaidan hadn't been able to see through the uniform, and the Cerberus shuttle. That he couldn't see her then, like he had years before. Then she was angry.

****

They had since cleared the air. After he had questioned her on Mars, after he'd - almost died - on Mars. They had cleared the air. He had asked about Thane, and she had been honest. She didn't know where they stood after Horizon, Thane had been there for her. Kaidan had apologized, told her it had always been her, and she still had been unable to say the words.

****

When he joined the Normandy again, they had met at Apollo's one evening and talked about their relationship. She told him she didn't want to pretend she didn't feel for him. She had been burying her feelings for years, and it was time to stop, but she still didn't say the words.

****

Before they launched the assault on the Cerberus base on Cronos Station, he had come to her cabin on the pretense of a quick drink. She had known better, he had that smile - mischievous and confident - and she'd asked him to stay. He did. And he told her he loved her, and yet she still couldn't say it. When she had woken up with nightmares, the same - but still a bit different - he had been there, hand on her back, concern in his eyes. Her strength, her rock. When he told her she had inspired hope in others she had believed it, felt it.

****

Then she had watched him get hurt again. It was like a flashback to Mars when she watched him go down under the truck that had been tossed across the battlefield. Something in her gut clenched and her breathing stopped. Everything flashed before her. Every time she had put him in danger. Every time she had almost lost him. She panicked. Somehow she had been able to regain her composure in time to get both him and Garrus - also hurt - behind cover and call Joker to bring in the Normandy. When she was sure they were safe in the cargo bay, she had turned to continue her advance to the beam. He called after her to wait, and he tried to be defiant again.

****

She didn't order him away that time. She had known about the guilt he felt after the first Normandy had gone down. All she could do was comfort him. She knew she was running to her death, it wasn't a question of if she'd come back. But she had wanted him to know how she felt, and she had finally been able to tell him that she loved him, hoping that it would be some closure in the days ahead, days he'd have to face without her. She had never expected to come back from it, never dreamed that one day she'd wake up again with Kaidan by her side.

****

When he had been next to her the day before, all smiles and anticipation, she had felt that familiar knot in her stomach. She was so grateful to have him there with her, but also terrified of what it would mean for their future. She loved him, that much was true, but she was also afraid for him. It seemed that anytime someone got close to her, something bad would happen to them. She didn't want anything to happen to Kaidan. He meant the world to her, and if things had been different - if she was the type of person to have a family life - she would want to spend every moment of their lives together.

****

The truth was, Shepard wasn't a family woman; she was married to her job. In the next several months she would be going crazy without being able to do what she does best - be a soldier. Anderson was gone, and while Hackett was a great Admiral and a great leader, he wouldn't understand her insistence to get back to work. She knew Anderson would have gotten it, given her reports or something to look over to keep her occupied. Hackett, she already knew, would want her to relax and take some time off. She couldn't do it. She couldn't handle the ghosts of her past.


	15. Not Friends

3 ½ years ago - March 21st, 2183 : 0645

 

It was time to meet her new crew, and Shepard groaned as she left the temporary quarters on Arcturus to meet with Captain Anderson. He was a good man and a great captain, and he was right to get her off her ass for a new command, but she was dreading it nonetheless. It had been nearly six years since Akuze and she couldn’t spend all of her time doing minor N7 ops - reliving that damn mission at the bottom of a bottle between posts. She needed to move on and stop avoiding taking a command post and Anderson had found her and made her see that. She had dressed in her standard-issue BDUs as this wasn’t really a dress blues situation and had her duffel tossed over her shoulder as she approached the docking bay.

 

The SSV Normandy was a prototype human-turian ship with advanced stealth systems and a state-of-the-art experimental drive core. Anderson had briefed her on it, but the ship was much more impressive up close. She had been given the dossiers on the crew in advance, which was equally impressive. The helmsman was the best in the galaxy, despite almost being court-martialled - she had made a mental note to ask Anderson about that later. The Navigator - Pressly - had received commendations for his part in Elysium. The Engineer looked to have more experience than most, having served on more types of ships than she could name. There were a few as yet undecorated soldiers under Anderson’s command - Private Fredricks, Corporal Jenkins, but the one that caught her eye was Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko - another biotic. He had been at brain camp - which was tough for any kid, but when she had looked over his service record she wondered if he had been unable to handle it or if he’d been through something really terrible. He had been off the grid for the last ten years.

 

Anderson was waiting for her outside, and when the decontamination process began she squared her shoulders and fixed a practiced, carefully blank expression on her face. She knew people thought of her as cold and distant - it was how she’d been taught by her father.

* * *

_“You’re a soldier now, Luna, people are going to die either by your side or under your command. It’s gonna happen on your watch even when you think you’re prepared for everything. It’s inevitable.” She looked at him from under her salute, her father was all business in these moments, and she knew she’d see other soldiers die but he made it sound like business not war. “Hold your head high and keep your face straight with your crew. You’re not there to make friends, friends are liabilities. You’re there to complete your mission - whatever the cost.”_

* * *

She hadn’t heeded his warning before her first post. After Akuze, she was broken for a long time, watching her friends die in front of her, barely making it out alive herself. That was going to change now. He had been right, these people weren’t supposed to be her friends.

 

They walked onto the bridge to a line of soldiers with practiced salutes. Anderson didn’t identify them one by one - not friends - but they walked by them as he told her things she already knew about the ship. One thing Shepard was proud of was her preparation. She had researched the ship, its builders, its crew, and now rather than listening to the Captain repeat the stats she already knew - she was taking in the sight of the Normandy in all of its glory. The CIC was larger than any she’d ever been in, and the galaxy map was gorgeous, she was impressed even by the upgraded terminals, but as always she kept her features smooth and unresponsive.

 

That was when she felt someone’s eyes on her, which was strange because of course all of their eyes were on her - Anderson was parading her around like a prize-winning varren. But when she looked to her right, she came across a soldier a few meters away who was staring intently at her lips. He was something, too. Tan skin, dark brown hair, muscular but not bulky, definitely fit. She caught herself smirking involuntarily and he slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers - whiskey brown eyes that seemed to bore into her - and she raised an eyebrow. She relished in the effect it had on him, a warm blush rising to his cheeks, and he averted his eyes quickly. Not here to make friends. She scolded herself when she felt her biotics humming beneath the surface, and she fixed the calm expression back on her face.

* * *

As they took off toward Eden Prime, Shepard was hit by how ridiculous she had been these last years. On this ship, flying through space, she felt free. She was an Alliance marine, and she belonged among the stars. She probably would’ve gotten over Akuze much sooner if she’d let herself fly again.

 

She was doing better with her tough facade, and the only one who was trying consistently to break through it was Joker - though she assumed it was just his way. But, when Jenkins went down from a geth turret, she didn’t give Alenko the calm, cold speech her father would have expected of her. This man had lost a friend, and she empathized with him. He seemed taken aback, and she mentally scolded herself again. Great, Shepard, let him see your soft side on the first fucking mission. But secretly she didn’t mind the way he was looking at her with pleasant surprise shining in those gorgeous eyes of his. There was no harm in enjoying that - as long as she didn’t act on it.

* * *

 

When she woke up in the medbay she was disoriented. She heard a man’s voice speaking and she couldn’t place it at first. Her head was pounding and she had experienced some sort of weird vision before blacking out. Dr. Chakwas came into focus and explained she had been out for nearly 15 hours. Something had happened with the beacon.

 

Right. Shit. Prothean beacon - Nihlus dead - Saren suspected. It would be a lot easier to think without the fucking throbbing.

 

Then someone spoke behind her and she turned to look over her shoulder. Alenko - he’d been the voice before - had he stayed with her for the full 15 hours? He was apologizing and she managed to be comforting again when she should have chided him for being careless. But when he grinned at her, she couldn’t care less.

* * *

 

Shepard was pissed when Anderson “stepped down” from his post as CO of the Normandy. She knew Udina had forced this change. Fucking politics. But there was Alenko, having her back on each decision - talking to her about each mission - and giving his honest opinion. If it had been anyone else, she’d have put them in their place the minute they broke rank. Kaidan Alenko had her intrigued, and she found herself wandering over to his terminal nearly every time she was near her cabin. He never questioned her authority in front of the rest of the crew, but he was there as a sounding board when it was just the two of them. He had become a friend - sorry dad - but she didn’t want to lose that connection, it made her feel human.

After Virmire, he finally broke rank - finally disagreed with her in front of everyone, in debrief. As if she wasn’t already angry enough with herself, Alenko was pissed at her too. She marveled at just how much that bothered her. When she sulked back toward her cabin later, he grabbed her wrist to stop her. She felt the electric hum of his biotics against her wrist, and her quickening pulse distracted her for a moment before she shot him a reflexive glare. He dropped her wrist immediately. He apologized for what he said in the debriefing and asked her how she dealt with Akuze… losing people under her command. The question had surprised her - though she didn’t know why - and for the first time she didn’t use the canned response she’d given reporters or her commanding officer. She answered him honestly.

 

“It was my job to get everyone out safely.” A pause, because this was the part she always had trouble admitting to even herself. “I failed,” she said. She made an effort to meet his gaze and found that his eyes were surprisingly warm, nothing like the angry soldier he had been less than an hour ago. So she continued, “I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I’ll remember her… and I’ll do better for her.”

 

He nodded at her, and agreed that in these cases that was all they could do. She felt better, even admitting some of her own downfalls, her own insecurities. He didn’t seem to judge her, or even disagree with her, and it was nice being able to confide in someone. Her father would never approve.

* * *

 

Shepard couldn’t sleep. This wasn’t new - ever since Akuze she could never sleep right before a big mission. And Ilos might be the biggest mission she’d ever face. She wasn’t used to going into a mission blind like this. She had no idea what to expect, and no idea if they’d come out of it alive - they’d already lost Williams, and she didn’t want to think about losing anyone else.

 

She was lost in thought and swimming in datapads when Kaidan walked into her cabin - on the pretense of a hesitant goodbye it seemed - he was unsure of the outcome of this mission, too. She met his dark thoughts with inward insecurity but outward humor - it was her way. Something serious comes up? Shepard deflects with a joke! She was even annoyed with herself. She surprised herself by asking him to bunk with her, they’d been dancing around each other - flirting with each other - for months. He told her it couldn’t change anything, and she agreed if only to feel his lips on hers - she could keep it professional, she thought.

 

She tentatively placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled him down to kiss her. His arms immediately curled around her waist, pulling her flush against him. Her biotics were raging beneath the surface, and she realized just how badly she’d been holding onto her feelings for Kaidan. He reached one hand under her ass to hoist her against him, and she responded by wrapping her legs around his waist easily. His other arm slid up her spine, and his hand rested at the base of her neck, fingers rubbing tiny circles against the scar tissue below where her amp would be if she had one in. She felt the energy wrapping around her and pulled away from the kiss breathless to see them both swathed in blue light. Shepard had never been with another biotic before, and she was shuddering at the sensation, shocked at how he could drive her so crazy without even removing her clothes.

 

Kaidan seemed to read her expression and he released her without putting any distance between them, leaving her sitting on the desk they’d been pushed against moments before. He held her gaze while he placed his fingertips along her neck on either side. She could feel the biotic pulse he was creating and he ran his fingers along her jawline, down her neck, across her collarbone and it was electric - the feeling of the energy against her skin. She shuddered again - staring into his eyes and seeing her hunger reflected back in them. They made quick work of their clothes and before he could collect her back into his arms, she decided to play with her own biotics. She used a gentle throw to push him onto her bed, and when he blinked up with her in stunned surprise, she activated each node in her body to create a sparkling field over her skin. She slowly crawled over him on the bed, grazing his skin ever so slightly and watching with amazement as he responded to the slightest touch of their bodies. When she leaned down to kiss him, he reversed their positions, deepening the kiss and pressing her into the bed with his body. Every inch of her skin was on fire with electricity and heat and the hum of their biotics rolling together in waves.

 

She felt like years stretched before her while they kissed and touched each other, testing their energy fields against one another. When she arched up to him, pleading with her eyes and he finally entered her in one swift motion she forgot all about Ilos. She forgot about Virmire, she forgot about Eden Prime, she forgot about Akuze. He stopped moving, and she opened her eyes and frowned at him in protest. His hands were firmly on her hips and he slid them along her sides, over her breasts and behind her back - biotic energy teasing her skin with every touch - until he rolled her up onto his lap and they were face to face. She stared into his eyes as he held her still against him, grip firm and unmoving. Something in his eyes was unreadable, and she was confused for just a moment before he started rolling his hips into her again, holding her body impossibly close to his own. When she exploded around him, biotics flaring, legs shaking - his name was on her lips, and when she looked into his eyes and he poured himself into her, she knew she was in over her head.

 

Sweat-soaked and sated, she knew immediately that what she was doing was a mistake. The galaxy came rushing back to her and she knew she was fucking it up. She got up and got cleaned up and dressed - knowing they’d be hitting the relay soon - and told herself she had to stick to what he had said, this couldn’t change anything. Shepard leaned against the desk in her cabin, gazing at the man in her bed as he rolled onto his back, waking up. And she kept telling herself he didn’t want anything to change, she agreed, end of story. But when he propped himself up on his elbows, looking at her with that unreadable stare with those gorgeous whiskey eyes and that stupid grin she couldn’t resist - she realized everything had already changed… and she was too far gone to care.


	16. The Shrink

_October 7th, 2186_

  
Kaidan was pacing in the waiting area of the clinic again. He could feel Dr. Chakwas’ eyes on his back as he made his circuits around the room. Hackett had ordered a psych eval for Shepard and had recommended (more like ordered) it to be completed while she was still bedridden. Kaidan figured this was because she wouldn’t be able to make excuses or fail to show up for the appointments, which was reasonable because that’s exactly what she would do.

 

Shepard didn’t have anything against shrinks, not really; she just thought they were a waste of time. After losing Kelly Chambers to the Cerberus coup, she hadn’t seen another one. When Kaidan had told her about the eval, she had looked at him indignantly, rationalizing that she already knew what it would say. It would say she compartmentalizes her problems, so she can handle them one at a time, but that it’s unhealthy for her psychological recovery. It would say that she has deep seeded regrets after the events on Akuze and that she has not found a proper way to cope with them. It would say that she idealizes and devalualizes individuals - thus allowing herself to feel compassion for all species and feel nothing for her enemies - easing her mind about having to kill. The final diagnosis would be inconclusive; they always wanted to report her as having post traumatic personality disorder or post traumatic stress disorder, but she never gave them enough to go on.

 

This time, he had warned her that if she didn’t talk, Hackett would delay her clearance for active duty. That was enough to cause a chain reaction of facial expressions that he wasn’t prepared for. When she finally smoothed her features, he was disheartened to see her fix her face with practiced calm and tell him she wanted him to wait outside. There wasn’t anything he could do to convince her otherwise, and while he’d known the doctor would have requested to speak with her alone, he had been prepared to stand his ground. He had not anticipated Shepard herself requesting him to leave the room.

 

Since the doctor arrived, he had been trying his best to stay calm and keep out of Dr. Chakwas’ way while she tended to patients. His mind was racing and he didn’t know why Shepard didn’t want him in the room but he was sure something was wrong.

* * *

 

Shepard hadn’t talked to anyone about what happened that day on the Citadel, not even Kaidan. She didn’t know how to have that conversation with him. She didn’t know how to tell him that she had made the wrong decision without it breaking his heart. Every time she thought they could talk about it - every time he brought it up nonchalantly,hoping she’d slip into the conversation of her own accord - she shut down. He hadn’t pushed her about it, hadn’t even brought it up directly, just comments that she knew he thought she might run with. But all she could see was her first waking memory of Kaidan’s face, eyes bright and full of relief because she was alive and looking back at him. She couldn’t take that away from him.

 

She had known there would come a time when she’d have to talk to someone about it. She had hoped it would be Hackett. Hackett, she thought, would understand why she couldn’t let the information become public, why she couldn’t even let her friends know the truth. A shrink? Nope. The shrink would make a record of it and a diagnosis and file it away, and it would be available for any high ranking officer in the Alliance that might need it. That meant Captains and higher. That meant Major Kaidan Alenko. She knew before the doctor got there that she would have to lie about what happened. Shepard was prepared to lie to any officer, doctor, or otherwise to protect the truth. She was not, however, prepared or even able to lie to Kaidan. That’s why he wasn’t allowed in the room. She suspected he’d realize it eventually and he’d look up the report. But reports don’t have eyes that certain Majors can see through and she knew he wouldn’t press the issue.

 

When the doctor walked in, she looked at Shepard without interest or amusement before taking the seat next to the bed - the one where Kaidan often sat. She introduced herself, but Shepard didn’t listen. She asked the usual starter questions and Shepard responded with the usual answers.

 

Where did Shepard grow up? _Did she want the list of every ship and colony or just the ones she remembered?_  
Why did she join the Alliance? _Family tradition, it was in her blood._  
How did it affect her attitude toward the navy after the incident on Akuze? _All of the soldiers there did the best they could with the situation they were given, no one could have anticipated the thresher maw attacks. It wasn’t the Alliance’s fault, it wasn’t Shepard’s fault; she didn’t hold it against anyone._

 

Her military background questions went on for a while. She had to tell the woman about joining the crew of the Normandy, becoming the first human Spectre, the incident with Saren, her attitude toward the Council, just about every single significant fact up until the war with the Reapers.

 

When the questions turned to the Reapers, Shepard felt her throat go dry. She had been expecting this, rehearsing for it in her head, and yet she felt like she was being pulled back into a nightmare.

 

 _Shit shit shit. They won’t clear you for duty if you have a fucking panic attack right now_. She forced a smile at the woman, and asked politely if she could call someone to get her a glass of water.

* * *

 

She was going to lie to them.

 

The realization hit Kaidan like a ton of bricks and he hadn’t realized he was gaping like an idiot until he saw the sidelong look he was getting from Dr. Chakwas. He forced his mouth shut and sat on one of the chairs in the waiting room. It was the only explanation that made sense. If she was going to tell the truth about what happened - the truth she hadn’t yet told him - she wouldn’t keep him out of the room, he’d just read the report later. She knew that. She knew that. She was going to lie about it. She couldn’t lie about it while he was in the room, he’d know it. But if she lied to the shrink and he read the report later, he wouldn’t know the difference.

 

But he knew the difference now. She could have just clued him in on the lie. _No, you’d want to know the truth_ , he thought. He _did_ want to know the truth. He wanted to know what Shepard had to do that day that made her so ashamed she couldn’t tell Kaidan. Was she the one who killed Anderson? No, how could he even think that? He mentally chided himself as soon as the thought manifested in his mind. The man was like a father to her, that wasn’t even a possibility. So what was she hiding from him? He raked his hand through his hair as the door to Shepard’s room slid open and the shrink leaned her head out.

 

“Excuse me, could someone get a glass of water for the Commander?” she asked in a polite yet bored tone and Kaidan jumped at the chance.

* * *

 

When the door opened again Kaidan was standing there holding the glass of water, which he promptly handed to the doctor who handed it to Shepard. When the doctor’s back was turned to the door again, Kaidan gave Shepard a look that told her she wasn’t getting away with anything. _Shit_. She made a show of drinking the water but maintained eye contact with Kaidan. He wasn’t glaring - not exactly - but he was staring her with intense seriousness that said ‘ _I know what you’re doing and we are going to talk about this later._ ’ It was too late now, and she resolved to continue with her plan even if it meant a confrontation later. But he knew, and that complicated things.

 

The doctor took notice that Kaidan was still standing in the room - lingering longer than was necessary, and turned to flash a forced polite smile at him.

 

“Thank you, Major, I’ll need to be left alone with the Commander now,” she said dismissing him, and he flashed Shepard one more pointed look before exiting the room.

* * *

 

He had to leave. Kaidan decided he could not sit in the waiting room and wait for Shepard to spin some fabricated story to the doctor. He was angry with her, but it would do neither of them any good for him to stay there stewing about it. So he grabbed his jacket and ignored the questioning look he got from Dr. Chakwas and walked out into the London streets.

 

He wasn’t really sure where he had intended to go until he found himself at the bar where he’d met up with Miranda the week Shepard had been recovered. The place seemed to have been cleaned up quite a bit, and there were a handful of patrons - humans and aliens alike - scattered around the room, enjoying food and drink. He ordered a whiskey and sat down at a table in the corner, alone with his thoughts.

* * *

 

Shepard had expected Kaidan to burst into the room as soon as the doctor left, but he didn’t. In fact, no one came into her room that night. Part of her wondered if she’d be able to fix the damage she just created between the two of them. Part of her wondered if he had decided she wasn’t worth his time - he’d probably be right. But part of her just wanted to sleep off the exhaustion of the day, so she closed her eyes and wished for a rest free from nightmares.


	17. Us

_October 8th, 2186_

_Commander Luna Shepard, Alliance Navy, N7 Biotic of the Sentinel Class, Spectre._

_The Commander shows typical signs of mild post traumatic stress; this is not surprising considering the extensive experience she has had with combat both on the field and in the sky. She does not appear to show signs of change in function or attitude and therefore I am unable to officially diagnose her with PTSD._

_The Commander was the final living soldier from the ground team in London during the battle of the Reapers; she was the one to issue the command code to fire the crucible. She detailed her experience to me as such:_

_\- Shot in the gut by a Reaper Marauder before reaching the beam._

_\- Made it to the beam and was transported to the Citadel, arriving at an unknown hallway which was complete with human remains and Keepers seeming to scavenge._

_\- Was in communication with Admiral Anderson, this seems to have been a closed channel as Hackett and the other Alliance forces had no recording of this communication available._

_\- Anderson and Shepard made it to a central room - a control room of sorts - in the Citadel and were met by the Illusive Man_

_\- The Illusive Man had found some way to harness the Reaper’s powers of indoctrination and Shepard was somehow able to convince him that he was being controlled, leading to him committing suicide, but not before he shot Anderson, leading to his eventual death._

_\- Shepard was then able to fire the Crucible from another location - again one she did not recognize._

_\- There was an explosion that knocked her backwards and presumably to the location in which she was discovered_

_My professional opinion is that Commander Shepard is in a solid state of mind, but is dealing with the traumas that most soldiers and civilians alike are facing in these times of repair. I believe that with proper rehabilitation, she will be able to return to her duties to both the Alliance and the Council._

Submitted by Dr. Carolyn Jones, Systems Alliance

2186/10/7 21:25

* * *

 

Kaidan closed the report and shut down the terminal in his apartment with a sigh. It had been over 24 hours since he left the hospital, and he had wanted to read the report before returning, but it wasn’t helping his state of mind.

 

It all seemed normal on the surface, well normal as far as indoctrination and mind control and Reapers had ever been, but he knew she was hiding something - and she knew he knew - and he didn’t know how to talk to her about it.

 

What he did know was that he sure as hell wasn’t going to sit around his apartment brooding all day because he couldn’t find the quad to talk to the woman he loved. He would give her a piece of his mind and hopefully convince her to tell him the truth.

 

He snorted to himself, convincing Shepard to do anything was like trying to convince a Krogan to ask a Salarian out on a date.

 

* * *

 

When she woke up in the morning Kaidan was nowhere to be found, and while this shouldn’t have surprised her, she was still disappointed. He knew she was lying and as much as she wanted to find a way to move on and start their lives together free of lies and secrets, she couldn’t tell him about the choice and about her regrets. And she knew he wasn’t going to just let it go. Maybe this was a good time to attempt plan B.

 

She had gone through her routine checks with Chakwas, and was feeling stronger everyday - but still not strong enough to get out of bed and start her physical therapy. She was stretching her muscles and sore joints after lunch when the door slid open to reveal Kaidan, scowl firmly in place. But when he saw her his face changed, a flicker of sadness, of pity, of guilt, before he settled on panic and rushed to her side.

 

“Shepard,” he breathed in alarm, “are you okay? What’s wrong?” He was frantic and she almost had to stifle a laugh. He was so concerned about her, and it was so touching because she could imagine how she looked right now - sweat dripping down her face, hair plastered to her forehead, face contorted in concentration - all while sitting in a bed. It was laughable.

 

“I’m fine,” she managed without letting the laughter seep through her voice, “just stretching some underused muscles to get a jump start on my PT.” He looked like he was about to argue with her before she raised a hand to stop him. “It’s all been approved by the good doctor,” she assured.

 

Right on cue, Chakwas sauntered in and gave them both a warm smile.

 

“Don’t worry, Major, the more she does now the easier it will be when she has to tackle walking and all the other hard stuff,” she said lightly and Shepard snorted. Who would’ve thought walking would be the hard stuff.

 

Chakwas flitted about the room checking vitals and other important things on the screens around the room. By the time she left, Kaidan had settled into the chair next to the bed with a look of confusion, and Shepard braced herself for the inevitable conversation.

* * *

 

He had been so angry at her for lying that he had forgotten the most important thing: she was alive. And he wanted to yell and argue and find out what she was hiding, but mostly he just wanted to help her get better and take her home and just be able to hold her again.

 

He looked at her broken body - significantly less broken than when they had first brought her in - but still had a long way to go, and he felt terrible for coming in here with intent to fight. He thought that maybe they could make it through one lie, one occurrence where she had made an executive decision that it was necessary.

 

He sighed heavily, not meeting her eyes.

 

“Shepard, I know you lied to the shrink,” he whispered, pausing, “and I’m sure you had your reasons.”

 

He waited for her to say something, but she was quiet, “and I know those reasons had something to do with me.”

He was met with silence.

 

“I just want to understand why you don’t trust me,” he said, his voice pleading, but when he heard her inhale to speak he interrupted, “no, no, I know why you don’t trust me. Because I didn’t trust you. Not on Horizon, not on Mars, not with Udina - not at first,” he rubbed his temple where a dull throbbing was preparing to escalate into a more present ache, “I get it, but - I thought we were past all that.”

 

When he looked up at her, he thought he saw tears in her eyes but she turned her face from him immediately. His heart ached. The last thing he wanted to do was fight with her, he realized then. As much as he had planned to do just that when he got to the clinic, Shepard had seen more fighting in the last few months than most soldiers saw in a lifetime. She was tired, he could see that, and she was hurting from so much loss. She lied, okay, maybe it was a big one, maybe it was to protect humanity, maybe it was to protect the galaxy… again. Maybe it was for the best.

 

He sighed again.

 

“Look, you don’t need to tell me. I’m going to try and take this one on faith, I guess I owe you that much,” he said, and her head whipped around so her eyes were meeting his again, but they were cold now.

 

“You don’t owe me anything, Kaidan,” she said angrily.

* * *

 

What was he thinking. Here he was telling her he’d accept the lie, take it on faith, that he owed her. Shit. There was a small part of her that had hoped he’d end it, that he’d stop holding onto her, that he’d move on and live a life without the burden of Commander fucking Shepard. Plan fucking B.

 

He recoiled when she hissed the words at him and she felt like an asshole. But wasn’t she? Stick to the plan, Shepard. She knew it would work, but she didn’t have to be so cruel about it.

 

“Kaidan,” she said, softer now, “I can’t explain to you what happened up there, but I don’t expect you to live a lie with me either.”

His eyes widened but she kept at it, not giving him time to interrupt. “I was prepared to give up everything so that you could live a normal life without me.”

She couldn’t look at him now and she heard his sharp intake of breath. “Maybe that’s what you should do.”

Her voice was firm despite the war raging inside of her that made her feel like she was one inch tall.

“Maybe that’s for the best.”

 

He stood then, holding his position next to her bed and waiting for her to look up at him. When she finally did after minutes that felt like hours, she was shocked to find a wry smile on his face.

* * *

 

“You of all people should know what I’m about,” he breathed her words back at her and watched as her eyes narrowed in question.

 

“Dammit, Shepard, do you really think… did you really expect me to just turn around and say ‘Okay, I’ll be going now?’” his voice was low, so as not to cause any sort of scene but he knew she could recognize the severity of its timbre. He reached for the hand closest to him and held it in his tightly, as if he could convey the meaning of his words through touch.

 

“I’ve been in love with you since before all of this,” he motioned around the room with his free hand, “before we knew what Reapers were, before losing friends and family to this war, before Ilos... before Virmire.”

 

The last one was barely a whisper but he held her hand and her eyes with his own and made sure to drive the point home. “I waited for you to catch up then, and I’ll wait now - but I’ll do it by your side.”

 

“There was never any such thing as a normal life with us, and it isn’t because you’re you, Shepard, it’s because we’re us. And maybe instead of trying to find a way to push me away from your trainwreck of an existence,” he spat sarcastically, “you should start looking for a way to accept that I’m here with you.”

 

He was rubbing circles against the back of her hand with his thumb and her eyes dropped to watch. “You can lean on me, and I can be your strength, but I know you love me too, and maybe that’s not enough,” he rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand, “but you’d better believe I’m going to fight like hell to hold onto you.”

 

He paused her so eyes would meet his again. “I meant it then, and I mean it now, we have a chance to see what this thing is now - a real chance,” he told her as he finished his speech while looking into her eyes and brought her hand up to his face to place a kiss on her palm, a whisper of another conversation about their future, one that felt like ancient history now.

 

* * *

 

Gone was the man who understood when she needed space, gone was the man who offered to take a step back if she was interested in Liara back on the SSV Normandy, gone was the cautious man who never put himself in a position he couldn’t get out of.

 

“What about always leaving yourself a way out?” she asked him - her voice betraying the emotion she had been trying to hide from him. He looked at her with patience and understanding and squeezed her hand gently before responding.

 

“Shepard, I don’t want a way out, not from this,” he said, smiling at her knowingly and she pulled him down to her for a kiss. Gone was the man that she could let go of. This new man, this new Kaidan - strong and confident and hers, he wasn’t letting go, and she knew then that she couldn’t either. She couldn’t let go on Virmire, couldn’t let go on Horizon, couldn’t let go on Mars or on the Citadel. Kaidan was her weakness, and he was her strength, and Shepard realized that he was right.

 

“Us,” she murmured thoughtfully against his lips when they pulled apart for a breath.

 

“Us,” he agreed before wrapping his arms around her to pull her into a strong - albeit painful - hug, before kissing her again.


	18. Defeat

Sweat was pouring down her brow and into her eyes as she gritted her teeth against the pain. She was Commander  _fucking_ Shepard of the Alliance Navy, first human Spectre, sole survivor of the massacre on Akuze, destroyer of Reapers. But now, she was staring defeat in the eyes, and it both terrified and angered her. She felt the rage building like a slow burn throughout her body as she glared at her opponent -

  
  


“My mug!” Chakwas exclaimed as she entered the room, causing Shepard to lose concentration and the ceramic mug to crash to the floor, shattering instantly. She sighed heavily and looked to the older woman who was scowling at her.

  
  


“Shepard, that was my favorite mug, what on earth are you doing?” she asked, clearly frustrated and Shepard felt a tinge of guilt.

  
  


She had been trying - unsuccessfully - to pull the damn thing off the table with her biotics. She had been a natural with her biotic abilities since they first manifested when she was young, and she had never felt so completely useless as she did right now, realizing that she couldn’t even pull a fucking mug.

  
  


She sighed again and flashed the doctor an apologetic look, but it seemed that Chakwas’ annoyance had morphed into pity at the sight of her patient struggling so much with what was once a simple task. Shepard hated that look. She was getting it from all angles lately. Miranda was the only one who either didn’t feel sorry for her at all or knew she didn’t want to see it. She had reassured Shepard that her recovery was remarkable - in part thanks to the cybernetics Miranda had helped implant her with - and that she was sure she’d be on her feet in no time.

  
  


The minute she saw the look on Liara’s face, however, she told Chakwas in no uncertain terms that she wanted no more visitors until she was on her feet again. Even Kaidan had agreed to give her some space, get back to work and let her recover on her own time. He had still come by every few days to check on her, but overall she was alone most of the time.

  
  


Seemingly realizing that she was getting no apology or explanation from Shepard about the mug, Chakwas cleared her throat to speak.

  
  


“Shepard, I think your biotics should come secondary to your physical recovery,” she said softly, ignoring the look of disappointment on Shepard’s face, “Kaidan has already detailed a routine he’d like to start with you once you’re on your feet again. For now, I have a new challenge for you and I think you’re ready.” She finished with a bright smile, and it was almost contagious until Shepard saw the item the doctor had been hiding behind her back.

  
  


“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” she said incredulously, feeling the anxiety washing over her in waves.

  
  


“I’m afraid not, Commander, you’ve got more broken bones than Jeff after a wrestling match and you’ve got to start somewhere,” Chakwas teased, doing nothing to stifle the feeling of contempt that Shepard was already experiencing at the small object.

  
  


A cane. Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy, first human Spectre, sole survivor of the massacre on Akuze, destroyer of Reapers was going to have to walk with a _cane._  She groaned and made sure Karin didn’t miss the exaggerated rolling of her eyes before she sighed in defeat. She  _did_  have to start somewhere, she supposed.

  
  


“If you take any photos or tell anyone about this, I might have to kill you,” she warned her friend and was met with a chuckle which just served to fuel her annoyance.

  
  


“Yes, Commander, I’m sure you’ll be quite intimidating trying to balance your pistol while leaning on a cane,” she said, laughter seeping through her voice. Soon the two of them were laughing at the visual and though walking still seemed an impossible feat, Shepard felt just a little better about the day ahead of her.

  
  


* * *

  
  


She had been wrong, of course. It was not the mug that would defeat her on this day, but her own crippled legs. She spent hours trying to decide how best to apologize to Joker for all the times she had teased him about his disability. It had been all in good fun - but she felt guilty now.

  
  


Her bones were abandoning her, it seemed, with every step she tried to take. Chakwas had assigned an orderly to assist her; his name was Joe and he was a brawny guy - not like Vega, but strong and steady - and he was doing his best to help her despite her swearing after every slight maneuver.

  
  


Getting out of bed had been the easy part, and that was laughable. She thought back to just a few hours earlier when Chakwas had introduced her to Joe, and he’d stepped over to the side of the bed to offer her his arm. She had wrapped her own arm around his and shuffled herself to the side of the bed carefully, feeling like the smallest movement would cause her to shatter into a thousand pieces. Her attempts at mini-therapy hadn’t been enough and her legs were thin and weak with smatterings of bruises all over, highlighted by puckered scars - one on her right leg trailing diagonally from her upper thigh to just below her knee, and two on her left leg circling around her lower leg and ankle. She was anything but steady, and Joe had offered to lift her to her feet but she had decided that if she could complete this feat the rest would be easy.

  
  


So once she had successfully positioned herself on the side of the bed with her legs dangling off, she took a minute to catch her breath and wiped the sweat from her brow before grabbing onto Joe’s arm with both of hers and hoisting herself up.

  
  


It was one of the most painful experiences of her life. White hot pain shot through every nerve in her body, and she felt as though she would explode from the force of it. She gritted her teeth to stop from crying out, but she wasn’t fooling anyone. Joe steadied her with his right arm and detached his left from her grip to wrap it around her back, lifting her effortlessly, and he just held her there for a moment, her feet brushing the floor while she caught her breath again and let the pain subside.

  
  


Only it didn’t. The pain remained burning in her muscles, in her bones, and she thought it would kill her. Not the Reapers, but just the simple act of walking. She spared a glance to Chakwas who looked concerned, but when she saw her looking she composed her features to reflect soft encouragement and even though Shepard wasn’t buying the act, she somehow felt better for it.

  
  


It seemed like hours had passed from the time she had grabbed onto Joe’s arm to the moment she felt steady enough to take the cane in her left hand and only with the orderly’s arm remaining steady at her back. Chakwas was saying something about how they would just be walking around the clinic for now, until she got used to it, and that she hoped in a few days they might be able to walk around the block. Shepard was trying to listen despite the pain, but all she could think about was how impossible moving from her current position to the front door would be.

  
  


In the beginning - just inside her room at the clinic - Joe was doing most of the work, allowing her to put her weight against him and the cane equally and keeping a strong arm against her back always. She had tried to make conversation with him through gritted teeth, asking about his family - he was recently married, asking about his job at the clinic - he had been working a Huerta but they moved him to London just a few months earlier. Her heart sank at the words, had he remained on the Citadel he wouldn’t be alive today. She stole a glance in his direction and he was smiling warmly at her, she didn’t have to say the words because he’d surely had the same thought countless times.

  
  


He had slowly released his grip on her to allow her to take more control of her walking - if you could call it that - and in an hour they had barely made it out of the room. She was struggling with every movement and the pain was nearly unbearable. She felt like she’d need three showers plus a decontamination process once the day was done because of how much she was sweating from the exertion. Chakwas had left to see to other patients and when they emerged into the waiting room of the clinic Shepard was relieved to see that it was empty. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust the doctor to uphold her promise of keeping out visitors, it was that she didn’t trust her friends to listen and the last thing she wanted was for them to see her like this… not just broken in a hospital bed, but worse - struggling to put one foot in front of the other.

  
  


Four hours after the beginning of this experiment, they had made a full circuit around the waiting room and back into the bedroom and Joe was helping an exhausted and spent Shepard back into her bed. Chakwas was by her side a moment later, dismissing the orderly with a wave and Shepard said a tired thank you before turning her attention to the doctor. The next 30 minutes went by in a haze, someone brought in something for her to eat along with several glasses of water because she needed to stay hydrated, said Chakwas - along with a joke about her perspiring so much that she couldn’t possibly have any liquid left in her body. Shepard had let out a half-hearted laugh while Karin checked her vitals as she quickly drifted to sleep.

  
  


* * *

  
  


When she woke a few hours later, she could hear Kaidan and Chakwas talking just outside her door in muted tones. She smiled to herself knowing that Kaidan had come to check on her, but even more when she heard Chakwas tell him firmly that Shepard was to have no visitors. She didn’t want to see Kaidan like this, exhausted and in desperate need of a shower, and she knew her doctor - no, her friend - understood that. She made a mental note to send a thank you note to his omni-tool later, and let herself fall back into a deep sleep.

  
  


* * *

  
  


_“Let him go! “ she shouted at the.. thing that was holding Kaidan by his helmet. She heard the metal woman asking for orders and she was horrified when whatever was said on the other end of the communicator caused her to slam Kaidan against the wall._

  
  


_Her heart lurched in her chest. All this time, she’d just gotten him back, he was just starting to trust her - hopefully even forgive her - and here he was dying in front of her eyes._

  
  


_The monster tossed his lifeless body aside and everything seemed to go in slow motion as Shepard launched a warp in its direction, shooting her pistol three times dead on - making it count._

  
  


_The woman - no, machine - seemed to short-circuit and collapse on the landing pad and Shepard looked to where Kaidan was laying dead, no… no dead… please don’t die Kaidan, and ran to get his body and carry it to the Normandy. He felt like dead weight and all she could think about was how she failed him… again._

  
  


* * *

  
  


She woke up from the nightmare with tears streaming down her face and gasped for a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. Why was she forced to keep reliving these failures every time she closed her eyes? They had won, they had defeated Cerberus and the Reapers and they were both alive, why was she being tortured still?


End file.
